The Danger of Online Dating

I don't even know how to begin telling this story…

The other night I was checking my messages on OKCupid, ignoring most of them, and thinking that I should just cancel the account, when I read a message from an attractive black guy*, "Do you want to go to a concert or musical with me?"

*This is important only because of my desire to have little black babies, which are so adorable. And the fact that I think a lot of black men are attractive, but have never dated any of them.

 

That's all it said. I checked out his profile, and it seemed pretty innocent. He even answered questions that said that he didn't smoke or drink, and so, on an impulse, I said "Ok."

We arranged to just meet last night.

He picked the spot: Gateway food court, 7 pm. So I was there, reading my Kindle, and I see these hot black men walk in. Not him. And then this kid bobs into the cafeteria, and wanders around until he settles on Hot Dog on a Stick, where he bought himself some fries and a drink. Then he found me.

He has this nerdy vibe, but he's still cute, but… I don't know. He's socially awkward, a little. And I know almost immediately that I want out. But we sit and talk, and he tells me that the Mormon religion is a cult. And harasses me about the church's history with blacks, and all kinds of other things…

Then we switch topics and he asks me what I like to do for "fun", even though I know what he's really asking. Don't ask me how I knew, but I can be perceptive some times, and even though I skirted around what he wanted to know for a few minutes by saying that I liked to travel, and I wanted to get into hiking, etc. etc. He asked again what I did for "fun", and I called him out on it. "You mean, instead of having sex?" Yes. That's what he wants to know. I just roll my eyes, and we have to have a discussion about how it's my choice and not the church ordering me what to do… blah blah blah

He asked me what's the craziest thing I've ever done and I tell him, I don't do crazy things. I'm pretty mellow. Not a thrill-seeker. And he's like, "No, what's the craziest thing you've done?" And I'm like, "Do you mean, what's the most rebellious thing I've done?" And he says yes, that is what he means. I just shrug. "Well, let's do something crazy right now," he says. "Where are the bathrooms?"

Oh, hell.

I knew what was going to happen, and I couldn't figure out a way to politely excuse myself and be done with the whole thing. So I follow him (he bounces, and I am about 10 ft behind him) to a certain point and then I stop, because duh, I'm not following him to the bathrooms.

This is where it gets uncomfortable.

He asks me how long it has been since I've made out with someone. Bad question: it's been ages. I don't know how to answer, and he surmises the truth. He asks me, "So, no sex?"

"NO. No sex."

And then he kisses me.

Despite how weird the whole thing was, and me wanting to leave, I want this to work. I want it to be good. I mean, we're not quite near the bathrooms, but we're in an alcove that is secluded. And there's a wall. He's cute (except when he walks, and speaks, and eats…) and he's black!

It doesn't last long. His lips are too big, and I don't have experience with that. I feel like it's my first kiss all over again, I'm 16 and clueless. I don't really respond, because I don't… know. I don't want this, but I sort of… confusion.

I decide it is time to go, and he clearly is going to walk me to my car, which is fine, except I'm a dimwit, and can't find my car in the parking garage. So we're wandering around in the parking garage, me trying to keep conversation on benign topics, and with him asking, "So, no sex?" He walks behind me, with his arms wrapped around me, asking why I won't have sex with him…and I'm just like, "Is this why you are online? So you can just hook up with any girl that says yes?!" He denies it, but I know it's true. So I keep going, "You are just looking for some lonely, desperate girl to hook up with?" And he's like, "Are you desperate?" No. I say it emphatically. I tell him that it wouldn't happen tonight, anyway, even if I did have sex…we've literally only known each other for an hour.

Finally, I find my car. I'm relieved, but he helps himself into my passenger seat so that I can take him to his car. But first he wants to make out in the front seat. Honestly, I had no idea how to get out of the situation, and I didn't want to be rude (residual effect of having to defend the church and its members, trying to prove that we aren't intolerant, racist, prudes), but… he kisses me again, only this time, he's getting handsy, trying to feel me up. I grab his hand and push it away and he's still trying to cop a feel and look down my shirt. He's like, "Just show me a boob." !!!!!

And I was like, "NO!" He asks me why, and I'm like, "This is all you get to see. I wear clothes for a reason." He tries to cop a feel again, and I'm done. I want him out. So I put my car in gear, and start driving out of the parking lot.

We get to his car, and he tells me to call or text him… seriously?

I still feel dirty.

 

Actually, it's been a few nights and I've had several discussions with friends. First, I am never doing something like this again, and I just might invest in a taser. Second, I can be blunt and forthright, and I just need to do that without worrying about hurting a dude's feelings when I want out. And lastly, who, WHO does this kind of crap actually work on?

 

Not only was he not a gentleman but he wasn't complimentary, he didn't behave with anything close to what the realms of human decency would allow (Um, hi, don't bash my religion for 20 minutes and then expect to get in my pants) and common courtesy... (How many times do I have to say NO?)

 

Anyway... it was a nightmare, and now I'm glad it's over so I can totally laugh about it.

Delivery Guy

I've mentioned on this blog before that I've crushed on the Les Olson delivery guy before; and most people that follow me on Facebook have read the comments about when he drops by and makes my day by just letting me look at him and smile retardedly until he leaves.

There has been a lot of discussion about flirting with him (here) and not knowing how to take advantage of the 35 seconds I have to sign the paper before he leaves.

In December, when my work decided that we were doing our Christmas dinner, I was told that I needed to "find my Prince Charming" to invite as my date. (The last time we had a Christmas party, I invited a roommate of my friend and have not talked to him since...) I racked my brains with who to invite.

I had an offer of an engaged friend to come with me. I had a friend offer her husband. And then there's the group of guys that I hang out with on a regular basis, and I decided, that would be cheating. I wanted to bring a date. Not just a friend. So who?

A mention of it at the office had the guys suggesting a few guys. One of them being the Les Olson guy. I thought about it and then had a mini panic attack. Why shouldn't I ask him? But how should I ask him? What ensued was a lot of orders for toner (which were actually legit) and plotting and plots being foiled... There was talk about luring him back to the supply closet. There were WHOLE CONVERSATIONS planned in my head.

In the end, someone always managed to come down the stairs, ruining my "game" (yeah right, like I have game...) and a result of nothing.

And then "Santa" came to the office early, bearing the delivery guy's phone number on a post-it.

I debated for a whole day as to whether or not I should use the number. I did not know the precise tactics by which it was procured, and that made me worried. All the guys bet against me. No one thought I would actually call, but they asked on and off for the rest of the day. I polled all my friends. I had mini-panic attacks. I took the number home that night and didn't do anything with it.

Then, I decided, "What the heck." And on my way to work the next day, I called.

The guys all at work said that they were proud of me. I think they were shocked. Honestly, after listening to what my girl friends had to say (they all claimed that they would not call), I decided that I was proud of myself. The delivery guy acted as though he was interested until I gave him the date and he said he would be out of town.

I don't know if that was an excuse, the truth, or whatever. I did it. And I did it without actually having a panic attack and without feeling dashed to pieces when it didn't end up as a success. It wasn't that hard after all.

We've had one order of toner since then, and the delivery guy didn't come.

That's not really a good sign. Was he sick that day? Out of town? Did he have his whole route changed because of me? It's hard to know. I hope not, because that would be really dumb. Even though he turned me down, I am not embarrassed to interact with him (remember how he's in my office for 35 seconds per delivery?), so if he's embarrassed or what, afraid I'm going to jump him? then that's stupid.

I ended up finding a date to take to the Christmas party. That was after making a foolish misjudgment and asking someone I shouldn't have, then calling and persuading him to admit that he'd probably stand me up and deciding to call the whole thing off. I found my date randomly, and it ended up being a really good night.

Of course, if this follows tradition, I will likely never talk to him again.

Whatever.

Kisses

Tonight I was sitting on the couch with my new best friend, Daniel. We were watching Alice in Wonderland.

We were pretty much cuddling and he leaned over and kissed my cheek, and it made me laugh.

"Guess what a whistle kiss is," he said.

I told him to show me.

He closed his hand around his lips and made a sort of hooting/whistling sound and then kissed me again on the cheek.

I showed him how Eskimos kiss. And he taught me what, "neck kisses", "forehead kisses", and "train kisses" were. (Train kisses are very similar to whistle kisses, in case you were wondering.)

Daniel is three.

One-Handed Make Out Bandit

I have a topic that I want to blog about, but I don't know how to put it out there without totally slandering myself. Instead, I wrote a five page journal entry about it. And I've sat and discussed it with anyone who will listen to me for five seconds. But somehow, putting it on my blog where anybody can read it, seems a little final and a lot too risky.

So instead, I will tell a story that happened many moons ago. It is the tale of the One-Handed Make Out Bandit. 

Really, the name says it all. Though, you should be warned that this story does not particularly shed the best light on myself...

Over the summer, I went through a very low point in my life that I have mentioned before as my "Moment of Weakness". It was during this moment that I decided I needed to try again my luck at online dating roulette. For several months, nothing really exciting happened. I was propositioned by not one, but THREE guys in wheelchairs, and was about to throw in the towel when I got a very original, very funny sort of message that perfectly intrigued me. It helped that the one or two pictures he had posted also seemed to fall under "my type". 

We emailed back and forth only a couple of times and I really felt like if nothing else, we would be great friends. It was also around this time that I discovered I was doing the whole internet dating thing wrong, and so I agreed rather quickly to meet him at one of his improv comedy shows. During the show, I was impressed with how cute I thought he was and only slightly shocked to notice that he possesses a deformed hand. (He had two working legs, though, so he met the bare minimum requirement.) After the show, we exchanged quick hellos, I re-extended my invite for him to come to a ward munch-n-mingle that I was planning/hosting/commandeering and he attended. It was fun, and quick. 

So now, by the time that we went on a lunch date, we had two quick meetings under our belts and I was feeling much more comfortable because it wasn't some creep I met on the internet. Lunch was excellent. Like, really excellent. We worked close enough to each other that we walked our separate ways, and I called my mom and talked about how nice it was to go on a very fun, normal date.

We went and saw Eurydice at UVU.

I was supposed to leave town on Friday night, but postponed the trip so that I could go to dinner and then attend a very weird play on UVU campus. Again, I was so pleased with how fun and witty he was. He challenged my wit, too, and I felt like I was keeping up with him. He wasn't shy and often talked to the strangers around us, drawing them in to anecdotes and kept me laughing.

And that was the end of the date.... that he had planned. We discussed going to my house and watching a movie, but it was a perfectly blustery night with only a little bit of sprinkles, and I convinced him to go on a walk with me. We headed to Carterville Park and....

...

It was a good night. 

I left town for the weekend and got a total of three texts (I'm guesstimating. The point is, that while he texted me, it was not very much) and then when I got back... nothing.

A week went by. Then two (again, guessing). I got bored one night and suggested another walk, which spawned a texting conversation in which we discussed my upcoming birthday. And then my birthday came and went and finally I got a text that said that he needed to tell me something.

Since I already knew that he wasn't in a wheelchair, I couldn't possibly think of what, after weeks of nothing, he needed to tell me. But, he felt it was necessary to inform me that he had started seeing someone else.

*Shrug.*

And so there you have it. Few people can say that they have been played by a one-handed man. (Though, I guess technically he does have both hands.) But now a few more people can joke with me about the One-Handed Make Out Bandit.

A Hotsy-Totsy Night

Colin and I attended the Murder Mystery Dinner that his boss-lady puts on every year for their department. We went back to 1928 Chicago, where the politicians and police enforcement were almost more crooked than the big shot crooks who ran the place.

Colin was the district attorney S. Treighton Harrow, who took bribes from everybody and was trying to bump off the leader of the mafia. He hired me, Anna Maria Carlotta Sassine - or as my friends called me, "Torchy" - to actually do the job because I played a night-club singer / button man (hired killer).

We had deep dish, Chicago-style pizza and cheesecake for dinner and over all, a very good time. The people who writes these things are extremely witty and fairly "pun-ny". Not to mention, everyone that works with Colin seems to be a joker in his own right - because they were all really hilarious to sit and figure this out.

It was really fun to dress up in fancy rags for the night. And while this is probably really silly, I realized earlier this week that my eyebrows were much too thick for what was in fashion during the 20s. So Matti and I went to the mall on Friday and had our eyebrows threaded. They are a lot thinner now than I'm used to, but I really liked the end result. Not only were they perfect for tonight, but they are shaped and very clean looking for as long as I can maintain them and keep them this way. Matti did my make-up, and did SUCH a fantastic job.

Afterward, Colin and I went and took a few pictures. Which I put in a collage at the beginning of the post.

Murder Mystery Dinner

Meet Mercedes Accelleratti



I know that I am uploading a lot of pictures for this small event - but, I don't think that until you've actually worn thousands of dollars worth of jewelry, you realize how much FUN it is.

So anyway, my good friend Colin invited me to joing him at a work party/Murder Mystery dinner. I was told that I needed to dress in a toga and so Roberta and I had a lot of fun coming up with costume ideas. Turns out, her costume jewelry is legit - real diamonds, rubies, gold, emeralds, etc. I wasn't complaining. I have to say that I can't really pick a favorite. I LOVED the earrings. I LOVED LOVED the necklace. And I spent the majority of the evening staring at the icing on my finger that just so happened to be a ring in the shape of an alligator. Complete with ruby eyes and an opal (or some other stone) tail. It glittered like nobody's business and I couldn't help staring. Roberta also added the belt, the AMAZING Roman broach things - which couldn't have been more perfect. And of course, Becca contributed without knowing it - the t-shirt underneath and the sandals. Wala! A toga, that was ritzy and glam without paying a penny. I was super excited about the whole thing.



Meet Mercedes. Now, it turns out that my character DID try to poison her husband, Flabbius - who in fact, happened to be dead. Apparently, he was seriously lacking in the manhood department. No wonder he died. And even though she did have an affair Ben Hymn who was fast in and out of his chariot. AND, then with Maximus. Who was putty in her hands, except when it counted. He wasn't terribly bright, but he possessed all he needed to keep her happy, satisfied and also the brawn to overthrow the empire. Don't worry, though, it seems that no one was innocent in this thing. Turns out, everyone wanted Flabbius dead.



After a few hours of attempting to read the script, being called a slut or whore the whole time, all while eating dinner - we ended the game. It was my first Murder Mystery dinner. Over all, I thought it was pretty fun. I think it would have been better if we had all stayed in character the whole time and actually attempted to have conversations that led to us revealing our clues, instead of just reading them from the paper. That is easier said than done, of course, but I think it would have been well worth it in the end. Although, as you can see from the above paragraph, sometimes the way they worded things was priceless - and hard not to repeat word for word.



Also... Colin is a pretty good date. We always have a good time - even if that means that I don't get points for my How to Score a Dude course. (Apparently, Colin doesn't count towards their grading scale.)