Trust Issues

I've seen this around the internet several times. For me, it's not true. There's nothing more disappointing then thinking I'm getting an oatmeal raisin cookie that ends up beings a chocolate oatmeal cookie. Oatmeal + raisins is good. If you want a chocolate chip cookie, don't add the oatmeal.

I can't be the only one alone in this.

Then again, it wouldn't surprise me.

If forced to choose, oatmeal raisin cookies would be my favorite. Oatmeal chocolate chip... lame. Very, very lame.

I've Been Thinking

I don't know what it is.... but I've been feeling so lazy about blogging lately. I know that I'm only disappointing myself in this matter. I bet my dad is pleased. He usually says that blogging is a waste of my time and I should be doing something more productive. Right now he'd be thinking that I needed to be asleep. I do need to be asleep, but I've just been thinking.

I've been thinking about people who think there is only black and white between emotions and logic; and how they think that emotions somehow invalidate truth. I've really been wanting to sit and blog this one out, but I haven't had the motivation or the patience.

I've been thinking about how busy my life has been lately. My weekends have been filled with friends and events, and... It's totally exhausted me. Like, emotionally and mentally draining. I spent this last Saturday alone, and it was what I needed to rejuvenate. I think people get confused by the front I put on, thinking that I crave social interaction and front-and-center attention. But that's not really the case. I am kind of introverted and antisocial. And actually, if I had a husband, I would probably never leave my house after work to hang out with other people. The depression that comes from after subsequent weekends of not doing something is just loneliness -- not cravings for major social interaction.

I've been thinking about how great my friends are. There are a few of you that know exactly what to say at the right moment that just gives me that added boost I need. I have a lackluster love life. Guys, I think, just don't really like me. Old men do. Older women love me. My friends think I'm awesome. (So do I, for that matter...) But as far as guys +/- about 10 years of my age, just aren't interested. Most the time I'm pretty accepting of this fact. It's been true since I entered the junior high. But other times I get a little discouraged. I hear that the guy I've been interested in is interested in someone else, and it's a hit on my self-esteem. And then I get texts like, "Well, he is a dolt then. I am sure you are hotter and much preferable to this skank." Or, "That's stupid, he clearly has terrible taste." I have people that love me, and I think it's pretty unconditional...which is amazing to me, because I am not always the easiest person to adore.

I've been thinking about the deadline my Uncle Craig gave me: to be getting married in August. I'm not going to make it. It's weird that I am a little disappointed, as if I really did have a sliver of hope that it would happen. On the other hand, four of my closest friends are getting married in August. (Three of them on the same day.)

I've been thinking about my dreams. And the fact that I don't know what they are any more.



I find that I keep saying to myself, "Go. Find your dream." But, I don't know where to start, or how to get there. The last dream I had that I knew exactly how to get was to go to BYU. It's been years since I graduated, and I don't have any other path or direction.

I've been thinking about cleaning my room. For weeks now. There's something much too comfortable about a messy room. It's annoying, sure. But, I think the sight of the bare floor and empty bed; the organized piles of my stuff -- and only my stuff -- depresses me. I keep putting it off, and I'm not sure exactly what I'm waiting for.

I've been thinking about swimming. I really wish our pool opened on Memorial Day like every other pool in the country. I can't wait to swim every night, again. Hurry up, Harmon!

And now I'm thinking about the fact that my contacts are still in my eyeballs, and I really do wish I were ready for bed and sleep...

Blog Stalking

Blog stalking is something that most people who write blogs are perfectly fine with. As a blogger, I love the anonymous, and not so anonymous comments. I check and see if someone exotic has looked at my blog recently. And I revel in the moments when an acquaintance mentions something about something I've written.

And, as a blogger, I censor the things that I want to share with the world versus the things that I would rather keep private. Sometimes I share too much... but for the most part, I've created an online persona that I can deal with, and released information enough that I am not embarrassed or ashamed or anything about revealing. Every once in a while I think, "Why did I share that?" But then, it doesn't always seem to matter because the number of strangers that read my blog is rather small.

As I blogger, I understand that other bloggers have done much the same as I have. They've created their online characters and given glimpses into their personal lives, revealing with what they can live with and leaving us in the dark on many other important topics.

And that's where the true stalking comes in to play. After all, it isn't really stalking if you're just reading something that someone's posted on their public blog. It is stalking if you've noticed something about that person, but have no evidence to back it up and so you go searching for other clues.

e.g.

You read an old acquaintance's blog because it is funny and entertaining and it is fun to see where he (or she) is headed to next. You happen to know -- because you saw photo evidence on their blog or Facebook or wherever -- that they got married some years ago. And yet, you've noticed that their blog, and not even their Facebook, has shown any evidence that the marriage took place since the wedding pictures have been posted. There are always the blogs that go on and on about how great the DH is (I have always assumed that stands for "dear husband", can someone verify that for me?) or status updates about what you and the husband have been doing? Or that the wife is angry or.... whatever.

There's usually not nothing.

So does that mean there was a divorce?

Since it is really none of my business, it seems completely out of place to even ask. It seems sneaky and underhanded and gossipy -- in a very bad way -- to ask a mutual friend. And you know that if they had wanted to make it public, they probably would have written about it.

But that's just an example. There are other bloggers that may promise a follow-up on a rather personal story, but then never follow through. It's easy to forget about the things you are going to write about, so it's a possibility of having just slipped the writer's mind. On the other hand, they might have thought better of their intention to disclose their personal life, and decided not to post. In those cases, it seem like the reader can acceptably ask about the author's intentions, but then again, it also sounds a little stalkerish.

I guess what I'm getting at, is there is a line between blog author and reader. And most people, while dying to get to the nitty-gritty information, are not going to cross the line into prying. At least, I'm not. But it's still killing me that I don't know the answers!

You know that feeling?

You know that feeling when someone walks in to the building and his presence just seems to loom over you, even when he is in a completely different room - but definitely, when he is standing right over your shoulder?

You know that feeling that starts in your guts - it feels like your stomach is plummeting over and over and over again, as if there were depths in there that you had no idea existed, but it isn't really an uncomfortable feeling... in fact, even coupled with a slightly accelerated - or racing, whatever - heart, it's not altogether a bad feeling at all.

You know that feeling of quiet, unadulterated shock that sends a pool of blood straight to your cheeks when someone says something you weren't ever expecting?

Oh! I wish I could have turned that shock into something witty and great, but I never can. I just sit there and grin like an idiot - no responses, no quips... no looks. I don't know how to respond to this kind of teasing.

Especially when it is in front of my boss.

But even after the embarrassment, the nervousness and intimidation, I can't help but smile. Because, after all, it's that feeling. The one that suggests something could happen if you let it. The one that places all your fears at the edge of the cliff, waiting for you to just push them out of the way.

And it's been a while since I felt it.

15 Things

I read this blog and was sort of tagged..

1. My guilty pleasure TV show right now is BridalPlasty. It is probably the absolute most disturbing, awful idea for a show, and yet, I am addicted. Watching these women battle it out through challenge after challenge so they can win a plastic surgery - among other prizes like celebrity photographers, florists, etc. - in order to be the "perfect" bride on their wedding day. They are amazingly dramatic and manipulative, and I am morbidly curious as to who these women conned into marrying them. Besides being manipulative, spoiled brats, they are also extremely insecure and just plain.... well, you know. It is reality TV. I roped my roommate into watching with me, and we like to see how or if they can bring down Janessa, master manipulator and godfather of the whole operation. I am still really upset I missed the newest episode.
2. Chocolate covered raisins are my weakness. I love them. I can't pass them up. One of my roommates brought home a tub of them from Costco, and I'm pretty sure that it only took me a month to devour them all. They were delicious.
3. I'm going through a Country music phase. Granted, I still only like my Country music, but I've been listening to it ever since I went and saw Country Strong. I loved that movie! And I loved the music more. I would have gone straight to the store to buy the soundtrack, only I looked it up first, and they totally ruined it! There is only one song each for the actors who actually sang in the movie. My favorite song, Give in to Me was performed by Garrett Hedlund and Leeighton Meester in the movie, is done by Faith Hill on the soundtrack! I'm ticked. 
4. I want to move to Texas. Cowboys. Warm winters. Southern accents. History. What more could I want? I've never been to Texas. I hear it's humid. I don't care.
5. The Orchid Affair comes out tomorrow. I can't wait. I'm supposed to be receiving a free copy - a reviewer's copy - in the mail, but I haven't seen it, and I'm pretty sure that if it isn't in the mailbox tomorrow, I'm going straight to Borders to buy a copy. I even have a nameplate (a signed sticky note) from the author to put in my copy. THIS author seems to like me. She even sent me a hand signed card. We have the same stationery. (Also, if you are at all into historical fiction, with a great deal of romance, you HAVE to pick up these books. Lauren Willig is a brilliant writer and her books have everything: mystery, intrigue, romance, action, wit, chicklit, history, etc. I love love love love the Pink Carnation Series. Read them. Go.)
6. Rubio's is my new favorite restaurant. I could eat their fish tacos everyday. I would try, but I know I would be broke by the end of the week. If I could have Rubio's for lunch and Thai for dinner everyday, I would die happy. 
7. I would choose a trip to Europe over a new car. Even though I really need a new car.
8. I'm addicted to Bones. I've always known it was a good show, I've seen several episodes, but this weekend when I was dying*, I sat and watched a 48 hour marathon. I am in love with Booth. 
9. I'm not really dying.
10. I am > this close < to giving up on shaving. Have you seen the prices of razors lately? I can't afford that. I am a snob, and hate disposables, and the alternative is $20 for 6-8 razors. What the heck?
11. I've given up on the dishwasher. My dad hates the dishwasher, and I am completely on his side. The dishes are never done when you use the stupid appliance. There's always the question of whether or not the dishes are clean or dirty. If they are clean and no one unloads them (I HATE unloading the dishwasher), then dishes get piled up in the sink. If the dishwasher is empty, but someone doesn't have time to put them in, dishes pile up in the sink. If the dishes are dirty in the dishwasher, then there are NO dishes for when you need them. It's so much easier to hand wash them and then put them away.
12. I prefer a bar of soap to body wash. Soap makes me feel cleaner. Body wash is just frou-frou stuff that I use when I want to smell particularly good.
13. I promised that after moving box after box of heavy books, that I was not buying books until I lived in a more permanent place. Since then, I have bought at least 10 books. I love books. I don't think I will ever be talked into electronic readers. I still have visions of my wall to wall library, and so I keep collecting. And my library is expanding! I have like, three new nonfiction books! I'm reading one - The Frozen Ice Trade - right now and loving it!
14. In my mind, I know exactly how I want something tailored. I don't know anything about sewing or tailoring, and so the last (and only) time I tried to fix a shirt that I bought, I ruined it. Whoops. I do have a sewing machine, now, though, and so I hope that one day, maybe, I might actually be able to make something besides scrappy looking Christmas ornaments. 
15. I don't close my OKcupid account because it is too entertaining. I don't check it very often, but when I do, it sort of cracks me up. I hate that I have an OKcupid account.

Almost Old Enough

One of the new gimmicks that salespeople and marketers are trying out are scratch cards that promise vacations and money and cars and enticing things that sound much too good to be true. The person on the other end of the phone assures you that there is nothing that needs to be purchased - it is just a technique to get their name out. I have to take all these calls and answer their silly questions and then after listening forever, I find out that I'm not eligible (as if I wanted to be) because I'm under the age of 25.

But in a few weeks, that won't be the case anymore.

I guess I could lie about my age. Most people don't start doing that - unless they are trying to be older - until they're about to hit 30. And I think that it is really lame that I need to lie about my age to escape telemarketers, and not for something cool... like... I don't know. Whatever reason it is cool to lie about your age.

Or maybe, these too good to be true deals are really true! And I could then be eligible to win off of this no-purchase-necessary, get-our-company-name-out scratch card. And then I could have a free trip to Mexico or the Bahamas or a new car or something!

If that's the case, let's just hurry up to my birthday and I'll accept the next caller and give them all my info...

Nope, never mind, I'm too jaded. Those scratch cards are a gimmick, and totally not worth turning 25.

Routine

I'm thinking of a new angle for how I should be spending my days.

I wake up, go to work and then come home and I'm not really sure what to do. I am, admittedly, sort of lost now that I have moved in with new roommates who aren't my best friends (...yet? Only time will tell.) and most of my besties have moved on and up.

I've never been one for routine. In school, I would make it a point to sit in a different seat every time I went to class. I don't like parking in the same spot. I hate doing my hair the same everyday. Etc. So setting up a daily routine hasn't really been on my to-do list. But now that I don't have anything else going on, I'm thinking that I should start one up so that I don't waste away the hours of my day watching Veronica Mars and Mad Men, which is what I have been doing (both really good shows, by the way...).

Any suggestions of what should be included in my routine?

I've already got the first part of the day figured out...

7:05 a.m. My alarm goes off
8:00-8:25 a.m. Roll out of bed and into the shower (it's quite a feat, I assure you)
9:00-9:30 a.m. Roll into work
12:30-2:00 p.m. Lunch (Lunch hours fall anywhere within those hours, and sometimes last the whole time, just depends on my mood.)
5:30-6:00 p.m. Go home

This new routine will have to include the following: more scripture reading, journal writing - Yes, I keep several blogs AND a journal. I'm conceited like that. One day, my progeny will thank me...

My ward seems to have a new activity going on every night. I want to attend some of the things, but honestly, reading the weekly list they send out exhausts me. I don't think I could handle all of the activities in every given week. I want to take a cake decorating class or something like that, but since I'm broke, a second job might be in order. Although, finding one job is hard enough at the moment. It seems selfish of me to think that I need two.

The nights come on fast, and will be faster now that winter is nigh upon us [insert groan here]. And I am thinking that an earlier bed time might help with the morning routine a little bit more.

Of course, tomorrow is a holiday, so even though we have a breakfast at my apartment at 9:30 a.m. (way too early for a holiday, if you ask me...) I'm obviously not starting the whole early bedtime routine tonight.

Ugh.

I have friends that blog about how fun it is to clip coupons, shop discounts and get things for much cheaper than the sticker price. I have a sister who thinks that buying a McDonald's ice cream cone is splurging. And many, many people know how to live without because they can't afford it. I have another friend who seems to be making a boatload of money, which is probably true - but the reason he can drop hundreds of dollars on new furniture all within a week is because he is the master at budgeting.

I am not these people.

I need to be these people. It would be much better if any one of these hijacked my account and made sure I couldn't get my grimy hands on my own money. Mostly because 1) I don't have money and 2) I still spend like I do have money. Which leads to very stressful situations, or what I think of as dire situations. And I have to start thinking about getting a second job. Or planning my future.  Because anyone who knows me knows that I am not meant to live a poor life. Partly because I don't know how to say "no" to things that I want or go without what I need.

(And if anyone mentions a particular $450.00 ticket to Ohio... leave your argument at the door.)

The most recent problem came (not because of the aforementioned plane ticket) but because I had to pay first and last month's rent, on top of a deposit that was supposed to be paid by the girl I bought my contract from, and on top of all of that, rent that I didn't know I owed. Which depleted my savings. Completely.

So basically the money that I have been saving for months and months to go to London has been wiped out entirely. And what little I had left in my savings account has had to transfer over to cover basic bills. I am waiting for my deposit from the other apartment and the deposit from this girl - though I am doubting that she is really going to pay up.

So how do you turn $0 into money for a trip to New York, Scotland, Ohio and Ohio again and still afford groceries, bills, bills and more bills, gas money and frequent dining out.

You can't. And that's soooooooooooo depressing.

Irrational

Look, I know I am not always the most rational or logical person in the world. So when I admit that there are a few things that irrationally irritate me to death, well, just know that I do realize that it is irrational. I just can't help it.

Like faxes. I hate faxes. I hate when people ask me to fax them something and I hate even more when a fax shows up and is requesting for information. Seriously? Don't you know that there is a magical thing called EMAIL? And you can't get information just that much quicker and without wasting paper and without all the annoying beeping and sputtering and jamming my fax machine? Do you really think I am going to run over and jump to the fax machine when I hear it go off and it has already made me angry because it just sucked up 15 pages instead of the one it needed and then read your question and want to answer it? No. I want to ignore it. Because faxes are obsolete. And annoying.

Another thing: Snow in May. I don't care that it means that we aren't going to be in a drought this summer. Whoopie-do. It's MAY! I was enjoying the new, baby leaves and the flowers and the fact that we might just have warmer weather. Oh wait, we're going to be in the 70s by Wednesday. What the heck is that about? Should I be grateful that I got the opportunity to don my coat one more time this year? NO WAY. Man, I was ticked this morning.

And finally, my friend Meghan was telling me about this returned missionary who spoke in her ward yesterday that just really bugged me.

Meghan: anyway, he kept going on and on about this story about this guy and then he told about how 6 weeks before he was going home, the sister missionaries were teaching the guy's wife

and he went on this ramble/tirade about how sisters missionaries and sweet and nice (said very condescendingly) and made great cooks and stuff, but weren't "in-tune and forceful" enough to be missionaries...

...are sweet and nice

I seriously almost chocked him with my eyes

and Jared was going apoplectic because his lesson the previous week was about respecting women and all the YM had this horrible attitude, so he was like "great, now they're going to think it's ok to be misogynistic douches"

and we muttered the rest of the time with the people in the bench behind us

 Unacceptable. There are no...pleasant...words for attitudes like that.

Hey Kid! Quit playing Hot Cross Buns on my nerves!

Disclaimer: This post is random. And dumb, but I'm posting anyway because...it just fits with today.

I was walking around the store today and this seriously annoying kid was screeching out the lyrics to Hot Cross Buns. I feel like I have a pretty high tolerance level for kids (I'm lying right now) but this child was out of control. I came up with the phrase above, though, and was easily pacified.

I've been in a weird mood today.

I don't know how it started. Maybe it was because I had an enjoyably long shower? Or the fact that my breakfast consisted of Reese's. Maybe because it was pay day? Or even the fact that I am antsy and nervous and excited to be trying something new and made an advancement towards that by paying my deposit to my new place in Single Tree #5. (Sorry Amy, no pictures or website. I will take some when I get a chance.) Whatever it was, it came to when I went to lunch with Wein and Fern.

Anyway, I've gotten side tracked. The point is... this crazy mood has seen me throughout the day. I watched Glee on Hulu.com. Glee is the best show on television. That is until Chuck comes on in January. And I'm not discounting The Office... but yeah, it's hilarious. It made me cry. I love it. And work was good and busy, but not crazy so I could breathe. And I got paid. I bought some groceries, for the first time since I moved in with Roberta. (Like legitimate grocery shopping... like, I have lunches for work and stuff.) And I didn't do Stats - though, I seriously thought about it. I didn't get my laundry done. Or clean my room. But I did talk to my mom (x3), my dad, Amy, Brad, Mackenzie, my cousin Andrew (x2), my cousin Chloe and my aunt Elouise.

I really feel like this day is complete. Oh! And Roberta made me brownies for my birthday. They had walnuts in them. AND someone called me "hott stuff." I've lost my train of though again, so I am ending this absolutely pointless post with exclamation points!!!!!!