I've Been Thinking

I don't know what it is.... but I've been feeling so lazy about blogging lately. I know that I'm only disappointing myself in this matter. I bet my dad is pleased. He usually says that blogging is a waste of my time and I should be doing something more productive. Right now he'd be thinking that I needed to be asleep. I do need to be asleep, but I've just been thinking.

I've been thinking about people who think there is only black and white between emotions and logic; and how they think that emotions somehow invalidate truth. I've really been wanting to sit and blog this one out, but I haven't had the motivation or the patience.

I've been thinking about how busy my life has been lately. My weekends have been filled with friends and events, and... It's totally exhausted me. Like, emotionally and mentally draining. I spent this last Saturday alone, and it was what I needed to rejuvenate. I think people get confused by the front I put on, thinking that I crave social interaction and front-and-center attention. But that's not really the case. I am kind of introverted and antisocial. And actually, if I had a husband, I would probably never leave my house after work to hang out with other people. The depression that comes from after subsequent weekends of not doing something is just loneliness -- not cravings for major social interaction.

I've been thinking about how great my friends are. There are a few of you that know exactly what to say at the right moment that just gives me that added boost I need. I have a lackluster love life. Guys, I think, just don't really like me. Old men do. Older women love me. My friends think I'm awesome. (So do I, for that matter...) But as far as guys +/- about 10 years of my age, just aren't interested. Most the time I'm pretty accepting of this fact. It's been true since I entered the junior high. But other times I get a little discouraged. I hear that the guy I've been interested in is interested in someone else, and it's a hit on my self-esteem. And then I get texts like, "Well, he is a dolt then. I am sure you are hotter and much preferable to this skank." Or, "That's stupid, he clearly has terrible taste." I have people that love me, and I think it's pretty unconditional...which is amazing to me, because I am not always the easiest person to adore.

I've been thinking about the deadline my Uncle Craig gave me: to be getting married in August. I'm not going to make it. It's weird that I am a little disappointed, as if I really did have a sliver of hope that it would happen. On the other hand, four of my closest friends are getting married in August. (Three of them on the same day.)

I've been thinking about my dreams. And the fact that I don't know what they are any more.



I find that I keep saying to myself, "Go. Find your dream." But, I don't know where to start, or how to get there. The last dream I had that I knew exactly how to get was to go to BYU. It's been years since I graduated, and I don't have any other path or direction.

I've been thinking about cleaning my room. For weeks now. There's something much too comfortable about a messy room. It's annoying, sure. But, I think the sight of the bare floor and empty bed; the organized piles of my stuff -- and only my stuff -- depresses me. I keep putting it off, and I'm not sure exactly what I'm waiting for.

I've been thinking about swimming. I really wish our pool opened on Memorial Day like every other pool in the country. I can't wait to swim every night, again. Hurry up, Harmon!

And now I'm thinking about the fact that my contacts are still in my eyeballs, and I really do wish I were ready for bed and sleep...

Chicken Chicken

I didn't do anything, really, that I was planning to do today.

I was going to wake up early and get to work on time. I put set my alarm clock close to my head and turned the volume up really loud, and checked and double checked the volume, station and location to make sure that nothing would foil my plans.

Turns out, the closer the alarm is to you, the closer the snooze button is.

I did go to lunch with the FTC. We tried a new restaurant in Orem. I was going to order the honey shrimp salad and like it. Instead, I got the seafood tacos and was super disappointed. Milagros is not a restaurant I would recommend. They claim to be Mexican, but there is nothing really Mexican about the food. It is baja at best, and just gross at worst. The salsa is "meh" and they are really, really expensive for a lunch.

I was going to clean my room (Yes, I did put it off from yesterday when I also said I was going to clean... I got half my room cleaned yesterday and gave up because I had an FHE meeting).

I was going to get my oil changed in my car.

I was going to take plans/specs to FedEx to be mailed.

I did take the stamp that I ruined last week to be replaced. And I did, eventually, finish the proposal I have been sort of working on all week long.

But I was also going to pack for my trip to Idaho this weekend. Stop by the library and get a book on tape.

But I didn't do any of that. I did experience what Wes calls "Chicken Chicken". Or, what I just call, being slap-happy or drunken tiredness. You know the feeling when you are so tired/exhausted that everything is funny, you can't process file folders on the computer or think rationally... Or, for example, you are dumbfounded by your coworker when he hands you the jump drive to save a file on it and you stare at the keychain, confused as to how and where the USB port actually is.

For the record, the USB connect is not on the keychain at all, it is the jump drive attached to the keychain and dangling by your hand.

I wonder if the cover we designed will look as good in the morning as we thought it did at 11:30 p.m. tonight? I hope so. I hope that I gave grumpy-guy the right directions on how to put the proposals together. I don't think I was too Chicken Chicken to have messed it up - but, I was really thrown off by how negative and mean the guy was being to me when I dropped it off!

Yes, it is almost midnight! Yes, I want these to be done before I wake up in the morning! And NO! I don't care if you have a hundred other projects going on. Why does he have to be so negative about it? I know that he can get it done in time. Why doesn't he think he can? I really, really hope that they don't mess it up.

Why don't people understand that they cater to my whims?

Anyway, it is late now and I am feeling a little wired. Something about the cold night air woke me up. I wish they had a 24-hour oil changing place...

Someone remind me that I have stamps at Staples to pick up in the morning... as well as the proposals at Kinkos, hopefully.

Shattered Knees and other Ridiculous Things

I quickly went through my nighttime routine in order to get to bed as soon as possible, but I think that I have to record how ridiculous the last 5 minutes have been. Besides, it should also be noted that I got ready for bed in just about 5 minutes... which is quite a feat, as I am easily distracted. I was tempted to just skip washing my face and brushing my teeth, but luckily, I accomplished both.

First of all, I shattered both of my patellas tonight. You may not believe me, but I'm sure there is a hairline fracture somewhere in at least one of them. There is certainly swelling. And swelling means fluid. And ugly bruises. I thought that my knees would bleed, but they haven't because I didn't really break the skin. Just the bone... but that is what falling onto solid ice does to your bones. I mean, not to Olympians' bones - they must drink lots of milk. But when I got cocky, and started going way faster on my ice skates than I had any right to go, it was only a matter of time before I fell. I made it around once without incident - why did I have to be greedy and try for a second time at personal record-breaking speeds? I tried, and failed. And my knees have been throbbing ever since. Even with the Tylenol Becca gave me afterward.

Also... I pretty much need night vision goggles to get safely from one side of my room to the other. Not that my room is very big. And I shouldn't be admitting this, but the truth is, I need a pogo stick to get through my room. It hasn't been clean since.... well, since I moved in. But that's because I haven't really moved in yet. I still haven't figured out where I am putting all of my clothes, and so they have just sort of taken residence on ... yes, the floor. I know, It's bad. That is on the agenda for tomorrow. I mean today.

So, while hobbling through the small, magical path from my door to my bed, I realized that I am in big trouble because my bed is practically on stilts. It sits atop two cinder blocks and is high enough off the ground that I have to CLIMB onto it in order to sleep. Usually, this is not a problem. Tonight, my swollen kneecaps protested to the point where I was laughing at the pain. It hurts so much - is so uncomfortable - that it made me laugh. A really, really awkward, twisted sort of laugh. But not loud enough that the roommates could hear me. (Don't worry.) And once I climbed onto my bed, I was not going to risk climbing down, even though I know that my phone is still in the pocket of the pants that I wore tonight. I had wanted to set an alarm and wake up early enough that my day could be fairly productive... but if I get down, then I have to climb back up...and really, I don't think I can handle it. I know, I'm a wuss.

So here I lay, in my bed...and luckily my laptop was at a reachable distance. Typing, but too lazy to even look at the screen and freezing, but at least I put my blankets back on my bed this morning, instead of having to need to climb down in order to get the discarded covers.

If you need me in the morning - early afternoon - you should know that I will not get my phone. I probably won't hear it, and even if I do, I anticipate my knees swelling to the size of small melons and my muscles to be sore from ice skating...so the likelihood of me getting out of bead is "not very".

Eating Crow

To all of you who laughed when I said I was going to take Stats as an independent study class (i.e. everyone I know):

You were right.

Oh, gosh...I could have been done, or dead, had I just stayed in for spring semester. Both would be better than the situation I am in now. Unfocused. Unmotivated. Panicked. Ok, not yet. I still think I can do it...

That is, if it weren't for the 55% stipulation on the final. Crap.

*Drags palm across face.*

"I hate stats," she said despairingly. And then set to work.

To do or Not to do

Finals are here again.

To do:

• Study my brains out
• Pack
• Move stuff over to Roberta's (where I'm moving to)
• Clean
• Laundry

Things I've actually done over the last few days:

• Co-thrown Kira's bridal shower
• Celebrated Chris' birthday
• Discovered a new movie: Under the Greenwood
• Worked on my book
• Packed 1/2 my clothes
• Cleaned the bathroom
• Took a bath
• Took 1 final
• Finished ALL my classes
• Made an S CD for Kira
  
• FTC
• Had my handwriting analyzed
• Located a lost favorite book
• Cleaned out the trunk of my car
• Made arrangements for a couple trips: Here I come OHIO, CALIFORNIA, NEW MEXICO, COLORADO, and IDAHO!!!
• CURSED at the SNOW!!!
  
• Turned down free Shirley Temples and a trip to get yogurt...all for the sake of studying
  

I foresee a problem.

Guess I'll get on it, right now.