Quote: I Capture the Castle

I believe it is customary to get one's washing over first in baths and bask afterwards; personally, I bask first. I have discovered that the first few minutes are the best and not to be wasted - my brain always seethes with ideas and life suddenly looks much better than it did. Father says hot water can be as stimulating as an alcoholic drink and though I never come by one...I can well believe it. So I bask first, wash second and then read as long as the hot water holds out. The last stage of a bath, when the water is cooling and there is nothing to look forward to, can be pretty disillusioning. I expect alcohol works much the same way. (Chapter IV, pg. 49)

-Cassandra, I Capture the Castle

Quote: I Capture the Castle

My imagination longs to dash ahead and plan developments; but I have noticed that when things happen in one's imaginings, they never happen one's life... (Chapter IV pg. 39)

-Cassandra, I Capture the Castle

Doctrine & Covenants 58:26-33

My friend Suesan sent me this scripture in response to my previous post:

Doctrine and Covenants 58

26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is ^acompelled in all things, the same is a ^bslothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.     UAdd a Note 

 27 Verily I say, men should be ^aanxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;     UAdd a Note 

 28 For the power is in them, wherein they are ^aagents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their ^breward.

 29 But he that ^adoeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with ^bdoubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is ^cdamned.

 30 Who am I that ^amade man, saith the Lord, that will hold him ^bguiltless that obeys not my commandments?

 31  Who am I, saith the Lord, that have ^apromised and have not fulfilled?

 32 I command and men ^aobey not; I ^brevoke and they receive not the blessing.     UAdd a Note 

 33 Then they ^asay in their hearts: This is not the work of the Lord, for his promises are not fulfilled. But wo unto such, for their ^breward lurketh ^cbeneath, and not from above.

 It just goes to show you how many answers can be found in the scriptures. Even if they aren't always the ones you want to hear. Of course, it is no secret ot me that I am slothful and not wise.

Need a Little More than a Sounding Board

I've just been thinking in incoherent thoughts, but this is what I've come up with.

No one in their right minds would allow me to make the sole decisions in their life. Who would give me the right to tell them where to move, where to work, who to be friends with and where to find new friends? How to spend their money! How to spend their time..

No one would do that.

And yet, I have to do it for myself! What a dangerous, horrible thought! I make all the decisions in my life - for better or for worse. I mean, I know that that's the plan. God gave us agency so that we could choose all of those things. Our country is founded on the idea of freedom to choose. But still, sometimes I wish I could turn on the cruise control or let someone else take the wheel for a while.

Don't get me wrong, I value my freedom. I hate being told what to do. Actually, I sort of want someone to tell me what to do, just so I can do the opposite...

But, at this stage in my life, there are a lot of big decisions that need to be made. Things I do now will set the course for the rest of my life. And there is very little room for mistakes...for u-turns. And I'm terrified. It's easier to just keep doing what I'm doing - living my very simple life where I work to make just enough money to scrape by, go home... fill my nights with meaningless activities and then wake up to do it all over again. There's no risk involved.

Except the risk of it being the exact same in 1 - 2 - 5 years. It makes me feel suffocated, and as I'm gasping for a change, I realized something.

It comes from being single. Not solely, of course, but when you're single, everything is for yourself. Yes, you have your freedom to do whatever, but I find that to be a disadvantage sometimes. I need a little more than a sounding board. Because you can discuss the future with your parents or friends. They will listen and spout of advice, and then, in the end: it's still your decision. They can't make you follow their advice. They can't make you set the plan and go for it - actually go for it.

I wonder if married people see the distinct advantage they have by being a part of a couple. The advantage of making joint decisions, where you work to make your partnership better and stronger by doing things that benefit not only yourself, but two people. I feel like the joint dream of two people is much more attainable than a single's. Because then there are two people working together to accomplish it. And aren't we taught that there is strength in numbers? That two heads are better than one? That four hands are better than two?

In the end, I feel utterly lost and alone. And that I have no one to rely on but myself. It's an intimidating challenge being your sole support, anchor and wind.

In my mind, I know I'm not alone. I'm very aware that I have a loving Father in Heaven. But that doesn't shake the daunting feeling. You can have all the cheerleaders you want on the sidelines, but in the end, it's left to you to execute the play to make something happen. Cheerleaders are, basically, useless when it really counts.

That sounds ungrateful...

I am grateful for those cheering for me from the sidelines. I certainly have a huge support system amongst my family and friends who want nothing from me but to be happy and succeed.

But I feel like I'm failing them - you. And I'm failing myself. But I don't know what to do. So I'm going to go to bed, wake up and go to work tomorrow.

Christmas Blog

I don't know what to think. I've changed my blog again, and this time, I did it ALL on my own. It might not have been as impressive - after all, moms and grandmas and all sorts of people have figured out how to design their own blog - except, I'm not using your typical creative programs. That's right, no Photoshop, no InDesign, no.... I don't know what other programs people use.

But I did it.

I'm not exactly sure that I like it completely. But I'm sick of working on it... so this is how it will stay for the next month or so. I figure most people who read my blog, do so through their Reader or through email, anyway.

I really am in love with picnik.com. Since it is new, I only anticipate for it to get better. But it is pretty user-friendly, comprehensive and fun. There are a lot of features that I just wish I had projects to use them with! Like the textures...! So great...

Is anyone else blown away that it is December? I'm still in denial that I'm supposed to be wearing a coat! I drove by campus today and felt sorry for the poor... *dears* that are out walking around campus in this frigid weather. I must say, I do not miss that, not one little bit.

*shudder*