Monday, May 26, 2014

Five Fictional Men Who Have Ruined Me for Actual Men

Simon Stein - In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner
  • Simon is amazing in both the book and the movie, but I will admit, that I like movie version much better. He's unrelenting in his pursuit of the lady he knows he is meant to be with. Understanding of--but does not put up with her--crazy. He knows how to order excellent food at all sorts of amazing, different restaurants. And he sits on the couch and reads romance novels with her. He loves his lady despite all her flaws. 
Benedict - Much Ado About Nothing by Shakespeare
  • He is the grumpiest, wittiest, most hilarious character ever written. Need I say more? (Also, Much Ado About Nothing happens to be my favorite Shakespeare play. I remember reading it in English in 10th grade and being one of maybe three people who actually understood it enough to laugh out loud. I'm currently watching the Joss Whedon version and it has made me laugh out loud several times.) Oh, Benedict. 
Jamie Fraser - Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

  • Jamie is . . . well, if you follow the fandom of the Outlander series, he is God's gift to women. He is also witty (though, no Benedict) and he is manly, and says the sweetest, most perfect things. He is imperfect. But he is loyal and true and patriotic, and bound to duty. He is strong, and quick, clever and witty. He loves Claire with a passion that extends through time, continent, and every trial he and his family goes through. He is swoonworthy. And virile. And probably incomparable. 
Reginald Fitzhugh - The Mischief of Mistletoe by Lauren Willig

  • As grumpy as Benedict is, that is how pleasant and good-humored Turnip is. I love him because he was nothing like I expected him to be. He was introduced in several of the books prior to receiving his own, and seemed goofy and intolerable, and I disliked him as much as every other character. But seeing him in action as this sweet, thoughtful, goofy character made me love him.
George Knightly - Emma by Jane Austen

  • Most people think to love Mr. Darcy when it comes to Austen's characters. But I have always loved Mr. Knightly more. He loves Emma, but he is not afraid to correct her when she needs it. He is a sensible, and kind man. 

Honorable mentions: Peeta Mellark from Hunger Games | John Thornton from North & South | Danny Castellano from The Mindy Project | Raylan Givins from Justified | Jim Halpert from The Office | Augustus Waters from The Fault in Our Stars | Neville Longbottom from Harry Potter | Sirius Black from Harry Potter | Levi from Fangirl | Ian from The Host | Lincoln from Attachments | & many, many others

And also, the world has not yet been introduced to William Hardy, who is a character in Marry in Haste. A work in progress by MK Peters. I'm not going to lie, but he may be the very best character ever written. I love him. 

Monday, May 12, 2014


In case you were wondering:

The packaging of Reese's Peanut Butter cups is not water proof.* Wet Reese's are incredibly sticky, not appetizing, and should be thrown away.

The packaging on a Kit Kat is water proof. And the Kit Kats remain fairly delightful.

*Test conducted over a two week period.

Monday, May 05, 2014

Please RSVP

Have I complained about this (on my blog) before?

Why is it that people are so reluctant to commit to...well, anything, really? But especially to parties and events. I just want to throw a nice party and have enough food and favors for everyone, and all I get are non-responses and "maybe". MAYBE. What the does that mean? How do you plan for a maybe? Well, I might be there. But I might not be. I'm mysterious like that, and you should love me anyway.


Can't you just check your calendar and say, "I have nothing going on and would love to attend, so yes. Yes I will be there," or "Dang. I'm already booked for that day and time. I can't rearrange my schedule because I've already committed to something else. Sorry, I won't be there"?

What I really want to say is, Hey y'all: when RSVPing, just remember that a "maybe" or a non-response isn't really helpful. AT ALL.When planning party favors and food, it's preferable to have an accurate number of who will or will not be there. (Imagine that.)

I know it's not fun saying "no", especially when you love and support the guest of honor, but if it is an accurate representation of whether or not you'll be at the party, then please just say "no". And if you you will do everything that you can to be there then say "yes"! We'll understand if something comes up...

Because, you know, I would understand if something comes up. (Including sudden bouts of complete anti-social tendencies where you literally cannot leave the house. Trust me, I know all about those.)

Friday, April 18, 2014


I recently updated my profile to have a title that doesn't make any sense and sounds more like I'm trying to pad my resume than actually describe what I do. . .

I do a lot at the office, even if sometimes I don't feel like doing anything at all. One of the not-made-up-but-looks-made-up titles I have is effectively "facilities manager." And being that I am facilities manager, I decided that our landscaping needs some serious help. Our building is located right between two busy restaurants (that serve alcohol) and across the street from a newly finished construction site. The parking lot that is sandwiched between our building and our neighboring restaurant is a breeding ground for trash. I don't think the weird wind patterns help. So yesterday, as I was managing my facility by picking up trash, pulling weeds, and sorting between our pretty (expensive) decorative rocks and random pieces of concrete, a guy walks by, stops in his tracks and says, "Shit girl, what are you doing? That's a man's job!" To which I replied that no, it wasn't a man's job and besides, at least it got me in the sun and away from my desk and he said, "Well, I guess it ain't exactly hard work," as if to imply that women can't do hard work.

He wished me well and said that as long as I was getting paid for it, and I was happy, that was the important thing.

Well said, sir.

I continued my way around the building. The other side of our building serves as a smoking post for one of the restaurants and their were cigarette butts EVERYWHERE. There were a lot on the other side, but nothing like this.

Side note: When I was younger and my dad had reroofed our house, he paid each of us kids a penny a nail. We spent a whole summer scouring the yard for nails, just so we could earn enough pennies to go to the Drive-Thur and buy candy cigarettes. (Ah, the irony.)

This, of course, is where I got the idea. I want to write the owner of the restaurant and encourage him to have his employees use the smoking booth that is provided about 50 feet away from our office, and if not, I would charge a quarter per butt that I have to pick up. I'm certain that I could make a fortune. I also wondered how ethical it would be to just pay a homeless person like. . . $20 to pick up as many as possible in one hour. How hard would they work for an hour?

Which brings me to my last story.

A few months ago the boys and I stopped at my office to see the progress of the first floor remodel before going to City Creek. A guy knocked on the window and was sobbing - SOBBING - about how he was stranded and just needed $16 in order to buy a plane ticket to get back to Texas and could we please help? I think the boys were less affected by the story, and more anxious to get the flamboyant, crying man away from the window. We gave him money. Only, not but an hour later, we found him hitting others up at City Creek for money. James confronted the guy, and saved one family from listening, but he can't be around all the time now can he? On Wednesday, Andre and I were sitting in the car of my office lot, and there was our little gay friend, as bold as ever, hitting people up for money. Then yesterday, as I sat picking up broken glass from amongst our rocks (a task only a little less worse than picking up cigarette butts), there he was again! He knocked on one person's window and was not crying this time. But then he passed by me a few other times, mumbling the F-word under his breath. I asked him if he wasn't meant to be in Texas months ago, and he just waved his arms at me and kept walking.

Monday, March 17, 2014

A New Club

I'm in the planning stages of forming a new club. Similar to the FTC, it will have arbitrary rules that fit at my discretion, and can be changed on a moment's notice.

I'm thinking of calling it something like, "Introverted or Depressed: The Club for People Who Don't Want to Leave Their Beds."

The by-laws are currently being written up, but they'll have headings like the following:

  1. How to avoid pep talks by well-meaning friends
  2. It's OK to cry for no reason
  3. There's always room for chocolate and ice cream, and chocolate ice cream
  4. Why are you wearing a bra?
  5. The hygiene of depression: good for those with no will to live, and also to keep others at bay (for the introverts among us)
  6. When it's appropriate to call in "sick" for work
  7. The bags under your eyes: you're tired for a reason
  8. Becoming a vampire, or, How to avoid the sun
  9. What to do when you HAVE to leave the house
  10. Becoming a hermit, or, How to avoid the human population
  11. What do do when you HAVE to interact with people
  12. The twelves types of fakes smiles, also included, the five fake laughs you must master
It'll be an exclusive club. Not just anyone can join. I am thinking about asking Ally from Hyperbole and a Half to join as an honorary member, just because, you know, she gets it. (Read this:; and then if you really want to take this further - to the advanced course of my club that has yet to be established - you can go here and read: and understand why this girl is really quite perfect for my club.)

When admission applications go out, I'll let everyone know. Until then, let me know if you find a reason or two why you don't need to join my club.

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