I've all but quit blogging.

I've all but quit blogging.

I can't really explain why. It seems like I do nothing, and yet I'm hardly home, and I have not responsibilities but I'm always busy.

I've all but quit sleeping too.

I have friends that suffer from real insomnia, and that's not what this is. I can't really explain it, but it's definitely gotten worse over the past few months. I avoid going to bed. Whether it's by reading or watching hours of Hulu.com, staying well past my welcome at friends' houses, or cleaning the bathroom; I just dread going to bed before I'm stumbling sleep-drunk into my bed.

If I'm so exhausted that I already am having trouble keeping my eyes open, then I don't have to think, I don't have to make excuses or reassurances to myself. The song lyric, "I can't take this bed getting any colder," keeps running through my mind on repeat. And so I keep myself at the brink of exhaustion, because I'm avoiding a bed that I have to warm up all by myself. No one is waiting for me to come home. No one is waiting for me to come to bed. And I hate it.

The trouble with being tired all the time is...well, there are lots of problems. But the main one is, that my immune system breaks down if I am not getting adequate sleep. So when I started fighting against a head cold last week, I should have made an effort to get rest. Instead, I pushed myself to stay awake until 2-3 a.m., and in return, managed to make myself even more sick.

For the record, a peppermint bath is not a great idea.

Peppermint is a cooling sensation. Baths are supposed to be piping hot. The mixture of the two is the most strange, uncomfortable feeling. I probably could have boiled my skin right off my body without knowing it, because my skin felt as though it were freezing instead. I quickly gave that up, and spent the remainder of the day in my lonely bed.

I turned 27 this year, and while my lack of blog post may show my lack of enthusiasm for the whole idea of it, it should not be interpreted to mean that I am lacking in friends that made an effort to make me feel special on my birthday. So, I know I'm loved, and it's always good to be reminded.

The last month or so has been fairly difficult on my family. Times like these, I wish I lived closer. I'm not sure what I think my presence would accomplish. I just want to be a support and a strength to my parents and to my siblings. Not being there has felt selfish, because I don't have to live with some of the turmoil that has gone on. I don't have to think about everything that is staring them all in the face. I feel very guilty because I can turn my concern and worries on and off and they can't.

Secretary

The other day I was talking to a friend who had mentioned that she had a superior at her company encourage her to finish school because

No one goes to college to be a secretary.

We were discussing her career, so I know that it was nothing meant towards me that she brought it up. And it's probably true, no one really goes to college to be a secretary. You don't often have to. A lot of secretary and receptionist positions require little more than a high school degree.

That being said, when I have been job hunting in the past, there are plenty of "Office Manager" positions, "Executive Assistants", etc. that require, or prefer, applicants to have four-year degrees. But, regardless of desired education level, they all offer about the same amount of money when you are starting out.

No one goes to college to be a secretary.

I certainly didn't. Granted, I don't know what exactly I went to college to "be". I didn't want to be anything. I just really liked my classes. I had been told that as long as I had a degree, I could make money. And now I have a degree, and I have a steady paycheck, but I wouldn't exactly classify it as "money".

I didn't go to college to be a secretary. But that's where I have found work. That's where all my experience is. So if I tried to find another position, it would likely be as an administrative something. Technically, I am much more than a secretary at my job, but try telling that to anyone else. And it really isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't want to be 65 and a secretary. I don't want to be 35 and a secretary.

So now what?

That statement has negatively resonated in my head for nearly a week, and I'm no closer to deciding what I should do about it. Apparently, I went to college to be a secretary.

My Own (Not So) Sneaky Hate Spiral

Please read this: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html

And you will understand how my weekend went. The series of events were quite different, but I think the end result was close enough. That is why this weekend I was not to be found outside of my room for longer than a few minutes at a time.

Someone would have died. 

Seriously.

Today is not much better, but as I had to suck it up for work and I am trying to be on my best behavior. So far, so good, I think. There was one major test of my patience only about 15 minutes after I arrived, so fine... I handled it to the best of my ability. One of the annoying voices called, and I dealt with her call without getting snappy at her.

From Hyperbole and a Half

But that doesn't mean that at any moment, I could snap.

The Importance of a Hug

“We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” —Virginia Satir, family therapist

If the above statement is true, then I'm not surviving. I'm lucky if I get in two hugs a week... make that a month. I can be a very touchy, feely, huggy sort of person. And I can not be. It is all dictated by who I am with and the level of comfort I feel with that person. I have had friends where hugs become second nature. You hug when you first meet up, you definitely hug before you leave and sometimes there are hugs just for the heck of it. Because sometimes hugs seem like a natural part, and it seems strange to not be touching that person in some way. Then there are friends where any time you step within a certain distance, I feel as though I am invading their personal space or that they are invading mine. Hugs seem strange and alien. It's not because I am any less of a friend with that person, it's just because we don't have one of those relationships.

Lately, the number of friends that I don't hug have largely taken over that I do. And I find myself wishing that old friends who were masters at the art of hugging were nearby and could wrap me up in an embrace that is filled with love, friendship and security.

No, hugging is not a euphemism for anything else. I am just talking about a simple embrace.

Except now, I want to talk about something else. Like how the hug is an excellent tool for leading in to other things. (Which I am sadly lacking in, also.)

I was discussing this with a friend the other night. Over the summer I had a friend where joking about NCMOs and other such things were common place. For a while I was worried that he would act on the conversations and whenever he got too close, I would skit away because I wasn't really in to the idea of a NCMO with him. And then, I changed my mind, and I thought, "If he makes a move, he will get lucky." Because I'm that generous of a person.

Right.

Anyway, I didn't skit away, and he didn't make a move. Or, didn't make a move from what I could tell. Come to find out later, he had mentioned to a mutual friend that he had tried and that he was sick of trying because I was too difficult or whatever. And I wondered, "When?" When did he try? I mean, I had noticed him invading my personal space enough to feel the need to skit away, but I didn't actually think he was trying anything. Apparently he was?

For the record, the fancy has passed. The window is closed for anything happening. But, I was just thinking... if we had been the sort of friends where hugging was commonplace, it would have been much easier for him. The personal boundaries would have already been breached with the hello-hug and the good-bye-hug and the interwoven hugs throughout our friendship. If it had been a comfortable thing for him to wrap me up in his arms, then it would have been nothing to place a kiss on the cheek and then... go from there.

See! Hugging is brilliant. It's a natural transition. Askmen.com has an interesting article on hugging that says,

The dazzling hug diet is terrific because the act of hugging transfers energy and generates positive emotional stimulation, resulting in happiness. Physical contact and stimulation are absolutely necessary for our overall well-being. Hugging a person by wrapping one's arms around the other's neck or waist or touching faces cheek to cheek is, without a doubt, one of the most common demonstrations of affection.... Hugs come in many different flavors, and each one says something different. For example, there's the fraternal hug, the friendly hug, the loving hug, the sexual hug, and many more. 

I miss getting hugs from my dad. I miss baby Kelsie wrapping her little arms around my neck and squeezing as hard as she possibly can. I miss hugs from Becca. Or other friends where I could just go and put my arms around their neck or their waists and just get a reassuring squeeze that they cared about me.

It's amazing what just a little affection can do for one's morale. I found an article called A Hug... The Miracle Drug. Located here. And I'm going to agree, sometimes a hug is a happy pill of sorts. And I could really stand to get my prescription filled.

Doing the Dishes

Sometimes when I'm standing there doing the dishes (or cooking.... or OK, cleaning the bathtub) I imagine my non-existent husband coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around me, maybe giving me a kiss on the neck and whispering something (suggestive?) in my ear.