The Danger of Online Dating

I don't even know how to begin telling this story…

The other night I was checking my messages on OKCupid, ignoring most of them, and thinking that I should just cancel the account, when I read a message from an attractive black guy*, "Do you want to go to a concert or musical with me?"

*This is important only because of my desire to have little black babies, which are so adorable. And the fact that I think a lot of black men are attractive, but have never dated any of them.

 

That's all it said. I checked out his profile, and it seemed pretty innocent. He even answered questions that said that he didn't smoke or drink, and so, on an impulse, I said "Ok."

We arranged to just meet last night.

He picked the spot: Gateway food court, 7 pm. So I was there, reading my Kindle, and I see these hot black men walk in. Not him. And then this kid bobs into the cafeteria, and wanders around until he settles on Hot Dog on a Stick, where he bought himself some fries and a drink. Then he found me.

He has this nerdy vibe, but he's still cute, but… I don't know. He's socially awkward, a little. And I know almost immediately that I want out. But we sit and talk, and he tells me that the Mormon religion is a cult. And harasses me about the church's history with blacks, and all kinds of other things…

Then we switch topics and he asks me what I like to do for "fun", even though I know what he's really asking. Don't ask me how I knew, but I can be perceptive some times, and even though I skirted around what he wanted to know for a few minutes by saying that I liked to travel, and I wanted to get into hiking, etc. etc. He asked again what I did for "fun", and I called him out on it. "You mean, instead of having sex?" Yes. That's what he wants to know. I just roll my eyes, and we have to have a discussion about how it's my choice and not the church ordering me what to do… blah blah blah

He asked me what's the craziest thing I've ever done and I tell him, I don't do crazy things. I'm pretty mellow. Not a thrill-seeker. And he's like, "No, what's the craziest thing you've done?" And I'm like, "Do you mean, what's the most rebellious thing I've done?" And he says yes, that is what he means. I just shrug. "Well, let's do something crazy right now," he says. "Where are the bathrooms?"

Oh, hell.

I knew what was going to happen, and I couldn't figure out a way to politely excuse myself and be done with the whole thing. So I follow him (he bounces, and I am about 10 ft behind him) to a certain point and then I stop, because duh, I'm not following him to the bathrooms.

This is where it gets uncomfortable.

He asks me how long it has been since I've made out with someone. Bad question: it's been ages. I don't know how to answer, and he surmises the truth. He asks me, "So, no sex?"

"NO. No sex."

And then he kisses me.

Despite how weird the whole thing was, and me wanting to leave, I want this to work. I want it to be good. I mean, we're not quite near the bathrooms, but we're in an alcove that is secluded. And there's a wall. He's cute (except when he walks, and speaks, and eats…) and he's black!

It doesn't last long. His lips are too big, and I don't have experience with that. I feel like it's my first kiss all over again, I'm 16 and clueless. I don't really respond, because I don't… know. I don't want this, but I sort of… confusion.

I decide it is time to go, and he clearly is going to walk me to my car, which is fine, except I'm a dimwit, and can't find my car in the parking garage. So we're wandering around in the parking garage, me trying to keep conversation on benign topics, and with him asking, "So, no sex?" He walks behind me, with his arms wrapped around me, asking why I won't have sex with him…and I'm just like, "Is this why you are online? So you can just hook up with any girl that says yes?!" He denies it, but I know it's true. So I keep going, "You are just looking for some lonely, desperate girl to hook up with?" And he's like, "Are you desperate?" No. I say it emphatically. I tell him that it wouldn't happen tonight, anyway, even if I did have sex…we've literally only known each other for an hour.

Finally, I find my car. I'm relieved, but he helps himself into my passenger seat so that I can take him to his car. But first he wants to make out in the front seat. Honestly, I had no idea how to get out of the situation, and I didn't want to be rude (residual effect of having to defend the church and its members, trying to prove that we aren't intolerant, racist, prudes), but… he kisses me again, only this time, he's getting handsy, trying to feel me up. I grab his hand and push it away and he's still trying to cop a feel and look down my shirt. He's like, "Just show me a boob." !!!!!

And I was like, "NO!" He asks me why, and I'm like, "This is all you get to see. I wear clothes for a reason." He tries to cop a feel again, and I'm done. I want him out. So I put my car in gear, and start driving out of the parking lot.

We get to his car, and he tells me to call or text him… seriously?

I still feel dirty.

 

Actually, it's been a few nights and I've had several discussions with friends. First, I am never doing something like this again, and I just might invest in a taser. Second, I can be blunt and forthright, and I just need to do that without worrying about hurting a dude's feelings when I want out. And lastly, who, WHO does this kind of crap actually work on?

 

Not only was he not a gentleman but he wasn't complimentary, he didn't behave with anything close to what the realms of human decency would allow (Um, hi, don't bash my religion for 20 minutes and then expect to get in my pants) and common courtesy... (How many times do I have to say NO?)

 

Anyway... it was a nightmare, and now I'm glad it's over so I can totally laugh about it.

Darcy

While I was in Kuna last, my aunt mentioned The Lizzie Bennett Diaries. How had I never heard of these before?! I don't know...but I spent the weekend rectifying the situation. (If I haven't convinced you to look at them yet, do so now. Start with episode one, here.)

Only moments ago I was talking to a friend about how I would be terrible at speed dating. Our ward held such an activity on Monday, and I couldn't go because I was at work late. (If you doubt that I was going to go, I'll have you know that I dressed for the occasion, even if I hadn't completely decided...) Anyway, I told her that I am terrible at things like speed dating because I am absolutely wretched at small talk.

I come off as a... b^+<''.

Anyway, as I was thinking about that, I realized: I am Darcy. As in, Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. He comes off as arrogant and proud, even though his friends are deeply devoted to him. He's awkward in large social settings, and says thinks bluntly that come off as horrible... As I said.

I was pretty please with my introspection; not moments later, I stumble upon this:

I didn't even look at the bottom to see who was who, or where the flow chart was leading, and what do you know? I ended up at Darcy, twice. There was one question where I could have gone either way, and I still ended up being Darcy.

Validated.

That Time Pandora Thought I Was Almost Middle-Aged

Not yet, Pandora.

Excuse Me

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook and I tried to share it. For whatever reason, it won't post to my wall (though, I'm sure I'll wake up and it will be there five different times) and I just had to share because it made me giggle out loud and clasp my hands like an excited little girl.

LOVE IT!!!

All the Possibilities

I go through phases with online dating. Mostly I hate it. Or maybe not even mostly. I hate it. But, even I have to admit that you get some pretty good stories out of it. You really never know who or what is going to come out of the wood works when you post your profile and a few flattering pictures online, and let strange men from around the country filter through.

If you are lucky, though, you get stuff like this:

hey there, im mike, I just moved to Provo. I came across your profile and like it, wow you're really cute. I'm passive towards my past girlfriends , so I'm looking for a girlfriend that is dominant or controlling. Are you like this? 

Or even better:

Hi I know this is very random and out of the blue. But I was wondering if you are into crossdressers at all.
I have been very interested lately in trying find someone who shares the same interest as me. But I was online and noticed you where so I thought I'd give you a shout out.
I think it would be fun to have someone to get all dressed up with, since there isn't really any places for crossdressers to go in Utah. Haha.
Anyway. Sorry if I come across as crazy. I know it's pretty odd. But if you're interested I'd love to hear back from you. :)

My favorite is this compliment that I got yesterday:

Random but ur gorgeous lol sorry 

 It really does amaze me, like, blows me away, that the internet has been a place where normal people have been able to find their future spouses. Although, now that I think about it, we don't know how normal they really are. Maybe their seemingly perfectly normal marriage started out with a message like one of these...

But really, can you blame me for hating online dating? When stuff like this seems to be my only options, it becomes a little more depressing than actually amusing.

Pigs; for Real?!

One of my favorite things about having Kelsie in town was the funny things she says. It's exhausting keeping her entertained, then keeping her awake when she's too tired to be in a good mood, then dealing with her random bursts of energy when she decides you are her personal jungle gym.

We were driving in the car and Kelsie mentioned that she was going to eat her arm, and I asked her if she was a cannibal.

"What's a cannibal?" She asked. (I love when she doesn't know a word, she'll ask what it means.)

I tried to explain to her that it meant eating a person the same way she eats cows, or chickens, or pigs.

"Pigs?!" She said, with a weirded-out look on her face. "For real?"

Later in the week, we went to IHOP (because, embarrassingly enough, Amy and I cannot stay away), and Kelsie was eating her bacon.

"I'm eating a pig!" She shouted, and took another bite.

One-Handed Make Out Bandit

I have a topic that I want to blog about, but I don't know how to put it out there without totally slandering myself. Instead, I wrote a five page journal entry about it. And I've sat and discussed it with anyone who will listen to me for five seconds. But somehow, putting it on my blog where anybody can read it, seems a little final and a lot too risky.

So instead, I will tell a story that happened many moons ago. It is the tale of the One-Handed Make Out Bandit. 

Really, the name says it all. Though, you should be warned that this story does not particularly shed the best light on myself...

Over the summer, I went through a very low point in my life that I have mentioned before as my "Moment of Weakness". It was during this moment that I decided I needed to try again my luck at online dating roulette. For several months, nothing really exciting happened. I was propositioned by not one, but THREE guys in wheelchairs, and was about to throw in the towel when I got a very original, very funny sort of message that perfectly intrigued me. It helped that the one or two pictures he had posted also seemed to fall under "my type". 

We emailed back and forth only a couple of times and I really felt like if nothing else, we would be great friends. It was also around this time that I discovered I was doing the whole internet dating thing wrong, and so I agreed rather quickly to meet him at one of his improv comedy shows. During the show, I was impressed with how cute I thought he was and only slightly shocked to notice that he possesses a deformed hand. (He had two working legs, though, so he met the bare minimum requirement.) After the show, we exchanged quick hellos, I re-extended my invite for him to come to a ward munch-n-mingle that I was planning/hosting/commandeering and he attended. It was fun, and quick. 

So now, by the time that we went on a lunch date, we had two quick meetings under our belts and I was feeling much more comfortable because it wasn't some creep I met on the internet. Lunch was excellent. Like, really excellent. We worked close enough to each other that we walked our separate ways, and I called my mom and talked about how nice it was to go on a very fun, normal date.

We went and saw Eurydice at UVU.

I was supposed to leave town on Friday night, but postponed the trip so that I could go to dinner and then attend a very weird play on UVU campus. Again, I was so pleased with how fun and witty he was. He challenged my wit, too, and I felt like I was keeping up with him. He wasn't shy and often talked to the strangers around us, drawing them in to anecdotes and kept me laughing.

And that was the end of the date.... that he had planned. We discussed going to my house and watching a movie, but it was a perfectly blustery night with only a little bit of sprinkles, and I convinced him to go on a walk with me. We headed to Carterville Park and....

...

It was a good night. 

I left town for the weekend and got a total of three texts (I'm guesstimating. The point is, that while he texted me, it was not very much) and then when I got back... nothing.

A week went by. Then two (again, guessing). I got bored one night and suggested another walk, which spawned a texting conversation in which we discussed my upcoming birthday. And then my birthday came and went and finally I got a text that said that he needed to tell me something.

Since I already knew that he wasn't in a wheelchair, I couldn't possibly think of what, after weeks of nothing, he needed to tell me. But, he felt it was necessary to inform me that he had started seeing someone else.

*Shrug.*

And so there you have it. Few people can say that they have been played by a one-handed man. (Though, I guess technically he does have both hands.) But now a few more people can joke with me about the One-Handed Make Out Bandit.

Fan Club

Today during Relief Society, a member of the bishopric asked if he could set me apart for my calling. What, like I was going to say no? I never remember to get set apart for my callings, so if the bishopric forgets, then it usually doesn't happen. I didn't know if being Visiting Teaching Supervisor was a calling or an assignment, so I didn't worry about it. So I was set apart and then he gave me a quick blessing that I just felt, was really inspired. The wording that he used and the promises he gave were exactly the sort of thing I needed to hear, and what I need in my life. And it is just a testimony to me that the Lord knows us, our hearts, our desires, and our needs so personally.

Which went along with the theme of Sacrament meeting and the Relief Society lesson, which was on loving ourselves the way God loves us. After Brother Christensen shook my hand (after I had wiped my little tears, since I can't receive a priesthood blessing without crying, it seems), he told me that he wished there were 20 clones of me, thanked me for accepting the calling and being me and all these flowery, puffy things that while I think they are fairly ludicrous, I truly believe he is sincere when he is saying it. 

And then after Relief Society, two girls came up to me and asked me if I had been the one that made a certain comment in November. When I told them I was, they went on to tell me that they talk about me a lot (it can't be that much) whenever they talk about this ward. Mostly because they noticed that we all seem to make fun of the same things and whenever they looked up from laughing about one thing or the other, they would see that we (Melissa and me) were laughing about the same thing. They were telling me that I was funny, that they are still laughing at my jokes and that they thought I was cool. 

Puff puff.

How can I not love myself after such positive affirmations today? I feel unworthy, of course, but also very gratified, and.... it just makes me laugh! I love it.

Read Between the Lines

Remember how once upon a time, I got roped into an online dating website with a required six month subscription (!) that every once and a while, for curiosity's sake, I get on and see what's going on? Tonight was just such a night that I logged on and immediately some dude starts talking to me.

Now, this isn't the first time said dude has started a conversation with me, but he couldn't remember. "Have I talked to you before?" He asked.

I must be very memorable.

Anyway, I told him that he had and he asked me what was "new", so I told him that I started a new workout regime, that I'm only two weeks in and he's like, "Ooooh. Can I see your new bod?"

Um, sir? It's been two weeks. I'm just lucky that I'm back to my starting weight from before the holidays.

Then after a few moments of silence (I was tinkering away with my new webcam, largely ignoring the chat window, but not wanting to be rude and just sign out), he sends me this little invitation:

"Want to come over watch a movie and snuggle? I'm cold."
"Er...actually, I'm about to go hit the showers and then go to bed."
"We can just watch a movie and fall asleep to it."
"That doesn't seem very responsible. I have work in the morning."
"I'm sure we won't be awake for long. I promise I won't try to kiss you or anything."
"That seems silly. You're so far away, and my bed it like, 3 ft. away from me."
"Where do you live again? I'm in Provo, too."

..."I think you should probably just read between the lines and see that I'm trying to say "NO THANKS.""

"Rude."

*Internal sigh*

"Not rude. Honest. G'Night." 

Only 39 more days, and I am done with this subscription. Thank goodness.

Bradisms

I had been in Ohio a full 24 hours before catching sight of my little brother Brad, though I was most looking forward to it since I was told that he was participating in No-Shave November. I've never really seen him scruffy, much less with a month's worth of "beard". He looks a lot different with his Wolverine-styled hair that hasn't been cut, and the No-Shave November participation is evident. It is a little more than scruff, but it's not.... quite a beard. He is a lot more patchy and hairless and blond than his older brother, Mark -- who is by all accounts, a beast. But I kind of like it.

We only have one bathroom here in our house, and so nighttime routines often collide. I was asking Brad in between flossing and face washing, what was No-Shave November actually for? Did he know?

"Just a chance for men to show what they're capable of," he said.

Then a few minutes later, modestly draped in his towel "air drying", he stood in the mirror, puffing out his biceps (which are formidable) and flexing his pecs.

"Is that part of your nighttime routine?" I asked. "Do you really do that often?"
"Not enough," was his reply.

Personally, I think he's hilarious.

The Movies

Last night a friend and I went to a late showing. He went off to the restrooms and left me to find us a seat. The theater wasn't crowded (which means, we did not see Breaking Dawn), and so I chose the best seats in the house -- the first row, right behind the guard railing, center.

There were several reasons for this decision. First, if the people behind us weren't there, I probably would have sat a few chairs down from the other people. The theater was seriously close to empty. But, the people were behind us, and they had their feet comfortably propped on the seats I would have sat in. They didn't look like the kind of people that would be pleased about moving their feet -- if they actually did. I like being in the center of the theater, dead center, and so I didn't really want to go further back when there were plenty of seats in the perfect location. The only problem was Jersey Porn, the unfriendly girl who was sitting just one seat off-center. She had jet black hair, and way too much make-up. Her lips looked collagen filled and her cheekbones too high. I entered the row and I asked if she was saving any seats and she said "No". I got the impression that she was annoyed that I was even talking to her, but I sat down anyway.

Now, guys have that unwritten rule that when they go to the theater together and there are extra seats, they sit one seat apart because they don't want to sit directly next to one another. That's fine, but, I didn't think girls have that rule, too. Apparently only people haters have that rule. I could feel Jersey staring daggers at me as I sat down and pulled out my phone, but I didn't acknowledge her.

"Are you expecting a lot of people?" She asked me after a moment, in her Jersey sounding voice.
"No," I said, "Just one more."

She didn't say anything, but I could feel the tangible hatred for the girl that just unnecessarily sat too close.

"I didn't want to ruin their foot rests," I felt the need to explain, pointing to the two behind us.

I didn't so much see her roll her eyes, as much as I felt it. At that point, I resolved to stay where I was. After all, it's a free country! And, besides, I hate when people come in late and have to climb over everyone to get to chairs. Not that there were going to be a lot of late people, but just in case!

I spent the rest of the film trying not to invade her personal space. I didn't share the arm rest with her, and I sat as close to Dustin as possible, without actually sitting in his lap. I probably could have moved, but at that point, I was just annoyed with how unfriendly the Porn star was, that I didn't want to let her win.

Thanksgiving Flowers and Toilet Paper

The other day my roommate walked in with these beauties just for me. It had been a hard week, and she was very thoughtful to think of me.

Not only are they beautiful, but they are very festive. Which is particularly important during this time of year. So many people are forgetting which holiday they are supposed to be celebrating. I LOVE that these are harvest colors!

Melissa and I have been having a lot of fun lately. It sort of started with a slumber party that kept us up until 5:30 a.m. a few weeks ago, and the giggling hasn't really stopped since. (We've decided that after last Sunday, we aren't allowed to sit next to each other in church anymore.)

A couple of months ago, we came up with the clever idea of starting a toilet paper roll collection. Of course, we had a very decided purpose. Our neighbor has issues with his roommate never, ever throwing away the empty toilet paper roll. He'll move it to the tank of the toilet. He'll move it out of the way. But he doesn't throw it away. It drives our neighbor insane. Knowing how he feels about empty tubes, we decided to collect them and when we had enough, we would do something like such as above.

He went out of town for the weekend, and felt that we had a pretty good stock pile. We tried to make a wreath, but it didn't work out well. We were lucky to have accomplished what we did, considering that Melissa sliced her finger after working on only three tubes.

We were going to make a "bead" curtain out of the TP tubes, but... neither Melissa nor I are very crafty people. We managed three rows, loved the way it looked hanging from Dustin's fan, and decided that was good enough. We sneaked over to our neighbor's place, had his roommate let us in, and we hung the sucker as well as left a trail of toilet paper tubes up the stairwell, and left.

I woke up to find a strand of it on my car, and was able to transfer it back on to his for a double whammy! the next morning.

Uno with the Bollschweiler's

Uno has always been a beloved game in my family. It comes from the Bollschweiler (my mom's) side. They tell of a time when my mom was passing cards between her toes in order to cheat. They are all a bunch of cheaters. And no one, not one person, is worse than my grandma. She looks sweet and innocent and has the, "Oh, did I do that wrong?" expression down to a T. But we all know better.

We are playing in the dining room. Across the hall and down the hall there are two babies sleeping trying to sleep. No one in this house knows how to whisper and when the game is getting heated, as it always does, we only get louder. I won three hands in a row and then they were determined to unseat me.

The worst part is that Uncle Allen and myself are the only ones quick enough to play our hands and keep an eye on Mistress Cheater - Grandma - and when we are arguing among ourselves over a disputed move, Grandma manages to slip two or five cards in to the pile.

She looks so innocent, but she's a horrible cheater!

Poor Kevin, a friend of my cousin's, claims to be from a family of cheaters, but was hardly able to keep track of Grandma and his own hand. He's just as loud as the rest of us, though, so he fit in perfectly.

We play Uno with the "matching" rules; things get insane when we try to add the "Armstrong" rules into the mix (trade hands on 0 and slap the deck on 9). The game goes by a lot faster with our rules than it does in an ordinary game, and honestly, I don't think I can sit through a boring old Uno game anymore.

I love this family.

Wait until December, Fat Boy

Nothing more needs to be said.

Oh no. She's cooking.

"You're going to love this...our roommate is cooking something in [a borrowed] crock pot..."
"I'm doing that. Turd. Does it smell OK?"
"It smells disgusting. Why did you use [that] crock pot?"
"It was the one sitting out. Really?? What's wrong with it? It was an experiment."
"Now that I look at it, it does look like hobo food. Is it for [a boy]?"
"No! It's for us! Lol."
"Uhh...I don't know if I can eat that. It smells good, but looks disgusting."
"Heheheheheheheheh... I'm sure it will be fine. It's just....Mexican Chicken!"
"I don't know about that..."

My Love Life

It's sad. But totally true.

Seven Years but you finally...

When I graduated from college, no one made me a cake. But if they had, it probably should have looked something like this.

Hahaha!

***EDIT***
Oh my goodness. As my sister just pointed out to me... I DID get a cake for my graduation. How could I have forgotten the put together celebration at last year's Wesley Woods?

I DID get a cake. My mom did a lot of work to make it happen, and to make it a complete surprise. And she didn't even make fun of how long it took me to get through school.

Thanks, Amy, for reminding me.

Just Practicing: The Kid and the Mannequin

WalMart in Provo has a new modest line of clothing in the women's department. The clothes are somewhat intriguing and sort of cute, so tonight before Katy and I set off to do some serious shopping, we decided to take a look.

As were standing there looking at the clothes draped on a headless mannequin, we watched as an eight (to ten) year old boy walked up with his hand outstretched until he fully felt up the mannequin. It was as if his hand had a magnet in it, and the mannequin's boob was drawing him in.

I'm still not sure what his goal was. Did he just want to touch a boob? Any boob? Even a plastic one would do. Did he want to test and see what the boob was made out of? Did he anticipate it to feel lifelike, or did he already know that it was plastic. Was he really just wanting to adjust the cardigan, but his shoes slipped from under him, causing him to grab the boob for support?

The world may never know.

It took him a second to notice that Katy and I were watching, so he quickly took to task of adjusting the cardigan before joining his dad and brother in line.

Katy and I were dumbfounded for about a second, and then it took us several moments to recover from laughing.

Brad Armstrong + Julia Wood

Brad Armstrong and Julia Wood are romantically linked in a new report.

"They've been known to be awfully cozy," claims a close acquaintance. According to the source, Armstrong and Wood are "a thing" and have been for weeks, but are determined to keep their relationship a secret.

Another so-called "source" claims that the relationship has been "hot and heavy for a while."


A source close to Armstrong tells us that the story is “not true,” and that he’s “totally single,” and an insider for Wood may say the same. Armstrong himself has been quoted in saying, "We like each other but we aren't anything special." After all, they are well-known best friends.

Rumors report that the two are planning a weekend trip together to his family reunion at the beginning of next month. Those interested will be watching closely to see if the "hot and heavy" rumors are true, and if Armstrong is just a player just trying to keep it all on the down-low.

After all, Armstrong has been known to be sort of havey-cavey, anyway.

Let us know what you think of the news.

Gossip Train

Oh, one last thing for today...

It shouldn't be any big surprise to anyone that I don't mind being talked about. There's a reason I have a Facebook, Twitter and a blog. Ok, numerous blogs.

So I loved it when it got back to me that someone told someone who told someone who told someone that I was probably interested in a guy because I had... *GASP* texted him this weekend.
That's right, folks, you are now not allowed to text anyone without having your motives questioned. Or maybe it was always like that for most people. I guess I've just never had my motives questioned before.

Hi.larious.

The truth is, there are a few guys in my ward that I think are pretty funny... so when I texted him and said that I was trying to become his best friend, I wasn't being entirely ironic.

But do I like him?! As in, like like him? I mean, that's what everyone wants to know, right?

For the record, I texted TWO of the boys in that apartment. One just happened to be out of town and couldn't dish to the rest of the roomies that I had "made contact."

The truth is, I wouldn't know if I liked either of them, because I barely know them. In fact, I don't know that I've had more than two full conversations with either of them. So, do I think they are funny? Yes. Do I think they seem like cool guys? Yes. Do I like them? Sure. I just want to get to know them and become better friends with them seeing as how the majority of my friends have moved out of state/country, moved on or married.

Basically what I'm saying is, I'm on the prowl, guys -- So watch out!! And don't quit talking about me, because I love it.