Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Internal Combustion (Meds II)

I just got caught standing over the vent in my office where, supposedly, there is cold air pouring out of it. (I kicked the AC down to 69 degrees over two hours ago and the office is still a stifling 72 degrees.) I am burning up.

 Talking to a pharmacy tech yielded this conversation:
me: also! I AM DYING! I feel like fire is going to start pouring out of my ears
Bronwyn: what meds are you taking?
me: Um... ok MetFormin
Bronwyn: its prolly that one
me: MethylPREDNISolone
Bronwyn: or that one
me: and Progesterone
Bronwyn: actually that one so haha sorry 
 Basically, I'm going to burst into flames at any moment.

And just in case you were wondering, I figured out what to do about my meds, so that I wasn't feeling so sick.

Friday, August 24, 2012


It's hard to keep in perspective that the medicines that you sometimes have to take are doing good for the function of your body (the internal workings that you don't see) when the manifestations of side effects are so wretched. Day two of being on these pills, and I have felt nauseous and sick all day. Whatever, my pancreas doesn't need a break. I don't want to feel sick all the time just so it doesn't give out on me later in life! Lame. Stupid body for not knowing what to do with insulin. Also... according to WebMD I might have overdosed on it? Don't worry, I didn't. But I think I might skip my evening dose, just in case. I should not be given pills.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Deep Thoughts Between Friends

Aubreylife is hard Shelli
  1st world problems are tough
  don't let anyone tell you differnt
4:51 PM me: Don't worry
  I won't
  life is hard
4:54 PM Aubrey: sigh
  i want something amazing to happen
  and its gonna take some work
  but I'm gonna make it happen
  i can't sit at a desk all my life
4:57 PM me: You can do it
Life isn't like a novel
  no matter how much I want it to be
  otherwise, it would be about this point in my life where my Mr. Right walks in a whisks me to my new life in Europe
  with loads of money
  or something
5:01 PM saying something witty
  Like, he stands up and someone says, "Gosh, do they make them any bigger?"
and he replies, "I'm big enough."
5:05 PM Aubrey: hahahahaha
  you are precious
5:07 PM me: (that line actually happened to my boss the other day)
  sometimes life IS like a novel
 Aubrey: its a novel alright, but the author likes to throw in a lot of lulls
5:08 PM meAlso, are the lulls our fault? I mean...
 Aubrey: yes they are but i don't know to get rid of them all
 me: what if is one of those pick your own endings type
 and we are picking the wrong ones!
 Aubrey: hahaha
  that's it!
  that's the problem
  we're skipping to the wrong page each time
 me: Totally the problem
5:10 PM Aubrey: i keep going into the cave when I should have kept swimming, where the mermaid island was just around the corner
5:11 PM me: blast
  I don't even start swimming
  you mean you have to get off the beach to find adventure?!
 Aubrey: ha
  you'll be on a beach soon enough
 me: I was just hoping that the cabana boys provided the adventure for you!
5:12 PM Aubrey: oh cabana boys
  there are never enough of them
 me: haha
  and they are very often gay
  or tiny
  I don't really want a cabana boy
5:13 PM Aubrey: ha
  i don't really want one either
  maybe we bought the wrong book
  i want one where we run into mountain men
 me: Oh, yes please!
  with beards
  and plaid
5:14 PM and burly arms
 Aubrey: where is the book with men with beards?!
 me: swoooooon
 Aubrey: ha

PS: Aubs, we do not have NEARLY ENOUGH pictures of us together.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Never Happens

It is very likely that I've blogged this quote before, but it just seems so apt to my life. Truer words may never have been written about my life than this.
“...I have noticed that when things happen in one's imaginings, they never happen in one's life, so I am curbing myself.” 
― Dodie SmithI Capture the Castle
Only, I wish I could curb myself. I wish that I didn't jump into 1,001 different scenarios that are likely never going to happen, because it is just so darn frustrating when they don't. Why? Because, even though I might not be an excellent writer, I still am a writer, and the scenarios in my head are amazing.

So whether it is a job, a potential love interest, a missionary experience, a worked up lecture, a lesson, or anything, really, I just wish that for once, things would go as planned in my head.

Sunday, August 19, 2012


Tonight I was sitting on the couch with my new best friend, Daniel. We were watching Alice in Wonderland.

We were pretty much cuddling and he leaned over and kissed my cheek, and it made me laugh.

"Guess what a whistle kiss is," he said.

I told him to show me.

He closed his hand around his lips and made a sort of hooting/whistling sound and then kissed me again on the cheek.

I showed him how Eskimos kiss. And he taught me what, "neck kisses", "forehead kisses", and "train kisses" were. (Train kisses are very similar to whistle kisses, in case you were wondering.)

Daniel is three.

Friday, August 17, 2012


I just pulled all of my financial information together on, and basically, what I am being told (as if I didn't already know) is that I spend too freely, don't pay enough on my credit cards, and that I will be in debt FOR THE REST. OF. MY. LIFE.

Or, actually, until 2017, if I cut out all gratuitous spending. Five years seems likes a long time. A really long time. Or maybe, not really that long, considering I've lived in Utah for eight years....

This post is depressing me.

I've decided that I really need to be grounded. I need to quit charging plane tickets, no matter how much I want to go home for Christmas, (and I need to be more careful about making my flights and scheduling the right itineraries, etc.).

No more eating out.

No more eating period.

No more books.

No more weekend movies. No more full-priced movies.

No more Wicked tickets. Or theater tickets of any kind. And certainly no more extravagant gifts. No more new clothes. Or shoes. Or make-up. Or jewelry.

Back to coloring my own hair. (Shudder. Cringe. Full-blown tantrum.) No more getting pedicures, manicures, and definitely no more considering the idea of waxing, massages, or any other unnecessary beauty treatment.

No more doctor's appointments. And I better not get sick, either, because I'm not going to pay for meds.

Fewer cleaning products. (I buy a surprisingly large amount of these.)

No more dinner parties. Or throwing parties.

If I don't go anywhere, except to work, I won't have to buy as much gas.

I can't keep buying episodes of Suits and Justified on

No more gym membership (that I don't use, anyway).

Continue to live in student housing, since clearly I can't afford to live on my own, yet.

Basically, I need to lock myself up in a room without internet access, and not come out except to go to work and to church, and then hope, that by 2017, I will be debt-free and not too past my prime that there still might be a chance that I'll find someone to marry. Because, let's face it, if I cut yourself out of 90% of social activities because I can't afford to participate; stop getting my hair done (hello, grays!) and buying my good make-up, and let my eyebrows grow out and my nails to look nasty; stop enjoying all the things I really love, because I don't want to pay for it or feel restless and unhappy because I hate being cooped up in one place for too long...

Once I've done all of that, I might be debt-free, but I'll be a pretty scary shell of a person. Can you just imagine? I'd be... hairy (razors are expensive too, so we might as well just throw them out) with long toe nails and gnawed off fingernails, wearing my $9 WalMart glasses (probably with the wrong prescription), long gray hair, no make-up, raggedy clothes, and completely out of touch with reality. Also, 32 years old.

Holy. Crap.

Yup, I'm definitely grounded. Maybe if I were to give up most of this stuff, then I could cut the five years down to three. The problem is: I know I did this to myself. I'm terrible about managing money. Budgeting is completely lost on me. So yeah, grounded.... No more. This has to end.

But first, I have to prepare for my trip to Hawaii. And I'm definitely going to need a new swimsuit for that. And a floppy hat...

Thursday, August 16, 2012


Eleven days ago I was laying in my parents' bed, writhing in agony as Mackenzie massaged my foot. Something was wrong with it, and something is still wrong with it. Mother thought that I was being dramatic, but even the slightest pressure made my eyes well up with tears and I seriously felt like something was broken.

My foot was just a little puffy.

After flying from Ohio to Provo, almost certain dehydration and a lack of supportive footwear made my already inflated foot look something like this:

Puffy left foot. Noticeable veins on my translucent right foot.
Luckily when I got back to work on Wednesday, I had the office mostly to myself and shoes weren't entirely necessary. I literally could not fit my foot into anything other than flip flops. I was hobbling around the office, trying not to put any extra pressure than was necessary. Going up the stairs was very painful. I was almost certain that there was a broken bone in my foot.

I went home and iced my foot for hours, kept it elevated, and took some heavy-strength Motrin my mom had sent me home with.

It didn't really help.

By Friday, I had cankles.

Second to my eyes, I get the most compliments on my skinny legs. I've always attributed this to my grandmother, who at the age of 74, still has fantastic looking legs. Although, now I'm thinking that I was guaranteed to have good legs regardless, because while I was home, I noticed that my dad also has skinny legs. Anyway...

Looking down and seeing a cankle is not exactly morale boosting. It's sooooo puffy and so gross. I tried drinking gallons of water. I tried alternating between extreme heat (hello reason for long, hot showers!) and ice.

On Saturday, I had an ankle again. (Hallelujah!) On Sunday, I didn't want to risk more swelling, and I skipped my ward (and the loooong hike up a steep hill and millions of stairs in heels) and attended a local ward with my friend Katy.

And while earlier this week, my foot was still puffy, it didn't hurt. I was beginning to see a trace of the veins that most certainly should be on display...and then I mucked it all up.

I wore wedges yesterday. All day long.

Today, my foot is very puffy. Not as puffy as it was before, after all, I am still wearing some normal-ish flats. But it is puffier than it has been in days. And it kind of hurts again.


In trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with my foot, I've ruled out all the possibilities that I can think of.  My neighbor was terrified that it could be a blood clot. Symptoms for blood clots include: swelling and heat at that area. Right now, my feet are actually freezing. But normally, my whole body is on the verge of internal combustion (and when we were talking about it, I was sitting in my upstairs, poorly insulated, extremely hot bedroom) and it would be impossible to tell if one part of my body was more overheated than the rest.... regardless, I don't think it is a blood clot.

Another suggestion is some sort of spider or bug bite. I have ruled this out because there is no area of skin that is red, no evidence of bite marks, etc. Although my skin is not translucent on my left foot like it is on my right, it is still very pale (I have not gone swimming this year nearly enough.) and something like such as would be very evident.

Also, unless I was beat, crushed, or slammed against the wall in the dead of night while entirely passed out, I have no recollection of actually injuring my foot.

So, it's sort of a mystery.

I schedule an appointment to see the doctor next Tuesday. So, if it is still puffy then (and it likely will be...), I guess I'll ask and see what she comes up with. Until then, I am just hoping that I get to keep my ankles.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

New Old Love

Rejected from Woman's World Magazine July 2012

 “We’ve got to find Candace a man,” Aunt Patricia said to us as we ate our pulled pork BBQ. “That little girl needs a daddy.”

 I followed the looks over to my two-year old, Josie. Pat was right, but finding time to date was difficult as a single mother. When my ex had taken off to “find a job”, it took time to realize he just wanted a life without a wife and daughter. Now, work and school, and most importantly: my daughter, took priority to dating. 

Josie’s laughter floated over the noise of my family members and my heart squeezed. Despite the turmoil Luke had put me through, I wouldn’t trade any of it because of that that blonde darling. Scars or not, I looked around and felt nothing less than blessed and happy.

 “What about that Johnson boy?” Aunt Lori asked. “He’s handsome.”

 “Or there’s Mike Hanson’s son,” Patricia suggested.

 “You ladies leave this up to me,” my sister, Andrea spoke up. She knew I hated this sort of talk. Of course, the gleam in her eye suggested that she wasn’t interjecting just to save me.

 “Should I be nervous?” I asked.

 “I ran into someone yesterday. I have it all set up.”

I don’t think I imagined the clucking that overcame my aunts.

“Who?” They all asked.

A few days later, Andrea was fussing over the dress I had chosen. “You’re a sexy woman,” she complained. “Can’t you show just a bit of skin?”

“I’m a mother.”

“A young mother.” 

I looked at the bohemian dress in the mirror. Flowy sleeves, a modest neckline, knee-length… it didn’t show much, but I still felt pretty. And confident. “I like it,” I said, adjusting the belt. “Besides, if modesty isn’t important to him, then I don’t want to go out with him.”

She rolled her eyes as I was saved by the doorbell. Josie ran to the door and Andrea followed. “Candace!” Andrea called, even though she knew I was right behind her. She picked Josie up and opened the door wider.

My jaw dropped. “Mark.” I instantly recognized him.

Mark Burrows, my high school boyfriend, stood in the doorway. If Andrea hadn’t been holding my three-year old daughter in her arms, I wouldn’t have believed it wasn’t 1999. He hadn’t aged. My heart still raced. Instant familiarity flooded over me.

He smiled. “Hi,” he said. “Ready to go?”

Mark had been talking to Josie, giving me a few moments to pull myself together. I nodded, kissed Josie on the head, gave my sister a look, and walked to his car before laughing.

“Do you like it?” He asked, opening the door to his ’88 Delta Oldsmobile, a grin on his face. “My parents let me borrow it for our date.”

“It still runs?”

“Unbelievable, right? It’s always been a miracle car. Remember that time it got stolen?”

“Yes. I got pulled over for driving a stolen vehicle the day you got it back.”

“You were so mad.”

“I thought you had called the cops as a prank!”

The date was as easy as it had ever been. He had always been fun. Respectful. Kind. Everything that Luke wasn’t.

“Josie’s adorable,” Mark said, interjecting my thoughts. “Candace sends me pictures sometimes. And videos. I think she’s a little obsessed.”

“Just a bit,” I agreed.

My sister had recently moved from out-of-state, just to be closer to her only niece.

“She spoils her. But it is nice to have the extra help. She watches Josie so I can take classes at night.” 

“Really? What are you studying?”


“Drawing people’s blood, huh?”

“I thought I would be good at it.”

“I thought you got queasy around blood?”

“Not anymore. Becoming a mom has increased my tolerance of ‘gross’.”

“Excellent! That means I made the perfect decision for dinner,” Mark said as he made a final turn into K’s parking lot. Despite its run down appearance and questionable food, Mark and I had spent the majority of our Friday nights sharing milkshakes and crinkly fries in the ancient diner. We slipped in a booth and ordered long-remembered favorites.


“You’re wondering why I agreed to this date?”

“Well, yes,” I admitted. “You haven’t spoken to me in years.”

“We were 17 when you ended our relationship,” he explained. “When you wanted me back, I was angry and didn’t think you deserved a second chance.”

“Maybe I still don’t. What’s changed?”

“Candace, I’m not angry anymore. We’ve grown up and had life experiences we both needed to have apart. But I find myself still missing you. I decided a while ago,” he took a breath and grabbed my hand. “There should always be second chances for your first love.”

“I think so too,” I said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

Thursday, August 09, 2012


Once upon a time, I was a HORRIBLE daughter and didn't get my mom anything for Christmas. Turns out, most of my siblings did the same thing and in the end I was racked with guilt about not showing my mom how awesome she is and how much she deserves pretty much anything her giant heart desires; we didn't shower her with gifts like she should be...

Six months later, Mother's Day was coming up and my mom mentioned that Wicked was coming to Dayton and that she wanted to see it. I looked up the schedule, and saw that the show was also coming to Salt Lake City, and asked if she planned on being in town.

She was. So I bought tickets! Happy Christmas and Merry Mother's Day!

So my mom flew in to town to visit me...and mostly her parents...and we made a night of it. (Sorry, Amy, wish you could have been there, too.) Mom and I went to La Jolla Groves, which is a favorite of mine... or I should say, has the best salmon dish (and lemon cake) ever. And then we headed up to the Capitol Theatre and enjoyed the show.

I had anticipated not liking Wicked very much. I don't know why. It was a totally silly thought. I think it had something to do with the fact that it was SO hyped up when it first came out (duh, it really is that good) and I knew that it couldn't be a lot like the book that it is based off of, and they had done a reality show of sorts for it on MTV, and all of that just made me really nervous.

Aside from quite literally melting in the Capitol Theatre, we enjoyed the show a lot. A lot. A lot. The two female leads were spectacular; and as much as I am a fan of Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel, I think that I'm an even bigger fan of Alli Mauzey and Nicole Parker.

Alli was absolutely, incredibly brilliant at playing Glinda ("the 'ga' is silent). I've pulled up the videos on, and they are all of Kristen, and really, I just loved Alli so much more. Sigh. Anyway, FANTASTIC.

It was really fun to spend the evening with my mom, doing something that she enjoys doing (and doesn't get to do often) and I admit, I'm totally on the Wicked bandwagon now. Although, I don't think you'll ever catch me with the soundtrack on my iPod.

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