I've all but quit blogging.
I can't really explain why. It seems like I do nothing, and yet I'm hardly home, and I have not responsibilities but I'm always busy.
I've all but quit sleeping too.
I have friends that suffer from real insomnia, and that's not what this is. I can't really explain it, but it's definitely gotten worse over the past few months. I avoid going to bed. Whether it's by reading or watching hours of Hulu.com, staying well past my welcome at friends' houses, or cleaning the bathroom; I just dread going to bed before I'm stumbling sleep-drunk into my bed.
If I'm so exhausted that I already am having trouble keeping my eyes open, then I don't have to think, I don't have to make excuses or reassurances to myself. The song lyric, "I can't take this bed getting any colder," keeps running through my mind on repeat. And so I keep myself at the brink of exhaustion, because I'm avoiding a bed that I have to warm up all by myself. No one is waiting for me to come home. No one is waiting for me to come to bed. And I hate it.
The trouble with being tired all the time is...well, there are lots of problems. But the main one is, that my immune system breaks down if I am not getting adequate sleep. So when I started fighting against a head cold last week, I should have made an effort to get rest. Instead, I pushed myself to stay awake until 2-3 a.m., and in return, managed to make myself even more sick.
For the record, a peppermint bath is not a great idea.
Peppermint is a cooling sensation. Baths are supposed to be piping hot. The mixture of the two is the most strange, uncomfortable feeling. I probably could have boiled my skin right off my body without knowing it, because my skin felt as though it were freezing instead. I quickly gave that up, and spent the remainder of the day in my lonely bed.
I turned 27 this year, and while my lack of blog post may show my lack of enthusiasm for the whole idea of it, it should not be interpreted to mean that I am lacking in friends that made an effort to make me feel special on my birthday. So, I know I'm loved, and it's always good to be reminded.
The last month or so has been fairly difficult on my family. Times like these, I wish I lived closer. I'm not sure what I think my presence would accomplish. I just want to be a support and a strength to my parents and to my siblings. Not being there has felt selfish, because I don't have to live with some of the turmoil that has gone on. I don't have to think about everything that is staring them all in the face. I feel very guilty because I can turn my concern and worries on and off and they can't.