Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My Type Part I



Have I mentioned how much I dislike online "dating"? It's not really dating, as it is a venue to meet people you wouldn't ordinarily meet; whatever it is, it's weird and it opens up your world to a bunch of...interesting people. (Or uninteresting, as the case often is.)

Everyone who has a profile online knows that the number one thing people look at is your photo. There are a lot of different types of photos that people post. A lot of the times, I just sit there and wonder, "Why?" Why would they pick that particular photo that is a) out of focus, b) decapitates you, c) makes you look like a douche bag - e.g. surrounded by a bunch of half-naked girls, or bathroom selfie pictures; or d) is just really, really unflattering. I'm talking to you kid in the t-shirt tuxedo. I don't go out of my way to contact people who post photos that I do not find attractive. If you can't find a single picture that makes you look somewhat photogenic that wasn't taken by your cell phone, then I question a whole lot of other things. There is one exception: if their profile is hilarious. It doesn't happen often.

I post the most flattering pictures of myself that I have. Obviously. And then when guys compliment me on being "so beautiful" or "hot", I laugh at them. Because I don't look like that everyday. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I am more photogenic than I am attractive. Figure that one out.* And then I'm afraid that if I ever decide that we should meet up, they will think that I've catfished them. But that's kind of not the point of this post.

The thing I judge the most are guys' writing skills. This maybe isn't fair, but I can't help it. I try to overlook typos. But poor grammar, or just poor communication is a huge red flag. So a message like, "Hi you look pretty nice what type of guys are you into" will not get a response, because I don't trust myself not to type, "I prefer men who use punctuation. Best wishes!"

On the other hand, guys that have read my profile and seem to have taken an interest in actually getting to know me are going to get a response. The problem with that is, while I can be a pretty great pen pal, that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm interested. It just means that I liked the question. I can very easily talk about myself - write about myself (as if having a blog didn't give that away already) - so a few questions sent my way are likely to illicit a response and then after we've emailed back and forth for so long, I actually feel obligated to meet the person. Because, otherwise, I feel like I've been leading them on. In writing. As if that were a thing.**

So earlier this year, I went on a few dates with a guy that I had emailed back and forth for a while and who seemed like a very nice sort of dude. He wasn't pushy, and didn't seem weird. He communicated pretty well, had a job, and...seemed nice. He was willing to go to a country western concert of which he would normally have no interest, and so we went. And he was nice. Why can't I think of a single other word to describe him? It doesn't seem fair!

There's that saying that nice guys finish last, that I just don't think is very fair. Nice guys should get awards and all kinds of girls for being nice because there aren't a lot of nice guys out there. There are a lot of douche bags and arrogant jerk faces; or there are the complacent, no-effort, lazy types. But for some reason, nice just doesn't cut it for me. The tri-weekly texts and phone calls to ask "how are you?" are more annoying to me than they are sweet. I can only answer "fine" or "great" or whatever so many times; and how are you really getting to know me better by asking how I am over a text message every few days? So you're trying to let me know that you've been thinking about me? That's great. Really, it is. But you know what would also tell me that you were thinking about me and wouldn't annoy me? A text about how much you hated traffic. Or that you saw a random goat in the middle of the street. Or... it could be anything. Something funny. Or flirty. Or... anything except "how are you" or those "Good morning!" or "Good night!" texts. I can't handle them.

So I wasn't really attracted to him. There didn't seem to be any chemistry. There was no flirting. He didn't make me laugh. He didn't make me sad or depressed, but he didn't make me feel anything really. It was like being back on Celexa. I was just numb to his niceness and the rest of his personality. We didn't have anything in common that I could tell. And while we had perfectly fine conversation...It was just nice. I was bored. Very. In fact, I was in the middle of texting, writing, and setting up dates with a few different other guys that all seemed nice. And I couldn't do it. I crashed and burned, and started ignoring all the messages in my box, and the texts, and the phone calls... (Sorry, not sorry.***)

So if I don't like perfectly nice guys, then what kind of guys do I like? That's a great question. Stay tuned for Part II.


*I know this because of an unintentional test I gave my friends. When one of these online accounts were being set up for me by friends and under duress, the pictures they chose were not the ones where I thought I looked the best. They did not pick the ones that were my best, rather than the ones that "looked most like" me. They were hideous pictures.

**Somebody tell me that that isn't a thing.

***I'll explain in Part II.

1 comment:

  1. The portion of part 1 that sparked thoughts and a change of mindset for me, a guy, was the following:

    "But for some reason, nice just doesn't cut it for me. The tri-weekly texts and phone calls to ask "how are you?" are more annoying to me than they are sweet. I can only answer "fine" or "great" or whatever so many times; and how are you really getting to know me better by asking how I am over a text message every few days? So you're trying to let me know that you've been thinking about me? That's great. Really, it is. But you know what would also tell me that you were thinking about me and wouldn't annoy me? A text about how much you hated traffic. Or that you saw a random goat in the middle of the street. Or... it could be anything. Something funny. Or flirty. Or... anything except "how are you" or those "Good morning!" or "Good night!" texts. I can't handle them."

    Upon reading that, I reflected towards my own pursuits in dating and being single and realized that I too am guilty of sending out the "Good Morning" texts to people that I have been dating, have been wanting to date, or even those that have no interest in dating me, but still want to be friends. It's something that I'll have to work to improve upon so that I don't become complacent with my conversations with people. I think this realization has been a long time coming, but your post was what it needed to bring it into the light. Thank you for that. :)

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