Proof of Sexual Assault

I have a very real question. . . when people sit and demand PROOF of sexual assault, what exactly are they looking for?

If sexual assault turns into rape, there are rape kits available (if you have the wherewithal to go to the hospital and get one done, and if where you're located they even process it). But in cases of assault, what evidence is there really?

A few years ago, I was sexually assaulted.

It was scary. And gross. But I didn't feel like my life was being threatened. I was able to walk away shaken, but otherwise unharmed and mostly just really grossed out.

If I think about it, his lingering and last, "Text me," haunts me a bit. But it's been years now and I don't think about it.

It happened. But the thing is, I don't have any proof.

I do not remember what year it was, much less the day of the week or even the month. (I could sit and figure out the math to get the year... I remember where I was working at the time, but asking me off the top of my head? Nope. Unsure.)

There aren't photos or video--it's not like you're able to say, "Hey, pause for a minute on that trying to rip my shirt off... I want to take a snapshot for posterity, and potential evidence later on."

It's an assault, not a rape, so there are no bodily fluids.

We were in a car, so there were no witnesses.

I didn't save the receipt to his Hotdog on a Stick french fry purchase or the ticket from the parking garage.

But you know what? If he ever decided to run for office or was appointed to the highest court in the land--you know what??? I would speak up. I would want people to know that he is garbage.

I could tell you what he said to get me on the date in the first place. Or how I felt when I saw him bob into the food court. I remember how he looked as he stuffed those fries into his face. I could tell you the outfit I was wearing. I could repeat the fact that he grabbed me from behind on the way to my car and asked, "So, no sex?" And I turned him down.

But do I have anyone to corroborate? No. Do I have proof?

No.

That doesn't mean it didn't happen!

So instead he's out there. And hopefully he's grown up and figured out a better way to try and get his rocks off than pressuring women into doing something they don't want to do. But maybe he didn't. Maybe there are more women out there who could back me up if I ever needed to go public with his name.

Why didn't I report it?

I got away with nothing more than heightened stress levels and a little bit of shaking. I did check to make sure he didn't follow me home. I did make sure that I triple locked my doors for a few days. I dreaded seeing his number on my phone should he call or text.

But I didn't have nightmares after. I was physically fine. I was emotionally shocked but recovered quickly. I didn't report it because it didn't seem important at the time.

It didn't seem like assault. Because it wasn't rape.

Dating App "Compliments"

When a man tries to kick off a conversation on dating apps with me by saying something like

• You are so gorgeous
• Your pictures turn me on
• Hey, sexy

I think they want me to take it as a compliment. I think they want to fluff my ego a little bit. Make me feel good and receptive to their overtures. Maybe feel inspired to kick off a conversation with them.

It backfires. 

Every. Single. Time. 

But why? Why can't I just take these comments for what they are and ignore how gross they make me feel? Why do I immediately feel like I'm setting them up to be catfished? Or immediately feel defensive?

The problem with comments like these is that they are based solely off of a set of photos.

Photos that I specifically curated to showcase my BEST looks. While they are definitely photos of me, and I don't really think any of them are misrepresenting me (too bad), they are also the very best looks.  

These guys haven't met me in person. They don't know what I look like when I'm walking my dog. Or when I've been doing hot yoga for 90 minutes. Which are arguably times when I absolutely look my worst. Would they still be calling me sexy then? Probably not.

Which means that it all feels like a line. Insincere. Disingenuous. Unbelievable. 

They may as well be leaving comments on Tumblr posts or liking random Instagram accounts of any woman that looks good. The internet is filled with billions of options.

It's just superficial. If there is nothing else in my profile that sparks a talking point, then it's hard to believe that the guy is interested in anything outside of the surface, physical stuff. And if that's the case, I just don't think that there's really a chance for anything to go anywhere.

And it usually doesn't. I don't know how to respond to those "opening lines." Do I just say thanks? I know? You're right? 

Where is the conversation supposed to go from there? 

If I were just looking for hook-ups, maybe this wouldn't bother me so much? Or maybe I would still be irritated by the way I feel objectified on dating apps. Replaceable. Interchangeable.