Thursday, November 11, 2010

Oppression

The sensation in the pit of your stomach is sickening and not unlike the feeling you get when dropping on a particularly steep roller coaster - only, it's not exciting, it's terrifying. You want to scream, curl up in a ball and and just throw up your hands in frustration all at the same time. Instead, you're resigned to just take a deep breath and release it with the most pathetic sigh anyone has ever heard - or would be, if you externalized any of this.

There's a weight on your heart that can not be measured by any scale. And mostly, it's just this sense of complete hopelessness, despair and overwhelming loss for something you've never even had.

But more than that, it's... a cage. You're completely fettered. You're sitting in the bottom of the empty lion's den. There is no threat on your life, except maybe the loss of your sanity. Because, of course, there is a source of light. A way out. But it is hundreds of feet in the air and completely unattainable. There's no way to scale the wall. There's no way to roll the boulder locking you in.

You're completely stuck. And the weight of that realization is unbearable. You can hear voices coming from that opening. They're laughing and playing. They're even inviting you to come up. And they want you to join them. But you can't.

How can you?

Tears of frustration aren't enough. The short gasps of breath aren't calming your racing heart. Soon, there will be nothing to do but lay down and sleep. Because, really, what else can be done?

Too many times you've found a small groove in the wall and begun your ascent to that opening, and every time, the wall crumbles from beneath your feet. And you fall. You've fallen more times than you can count, and each time, the weight of the disappointment is stronger than the last. But even if the wall didn't disintegrate, would it matter?

No.

There's still the shackles keeping you grounded. You'll be here until you die. In the same place until God tells you otherwise. You can't fight against this literal pit of despair. And why would you? It's pointless. You can't think of a more pointless pursuit than trying to get out.

So get comfortable. This oppression doesn't end until you're OK with your situation. Or you go completely mad. Which is the more likely of the two.

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