Basically, I was telling myself to grow up, and quit feeling like a child. I just can't seem to shake the feeling. Why does adulthood have to be so defined (in my head) with being married, having kids, or owning a house? Or your own car, for that matter. Why is it that whenever I look at my life, I still feel as though I'm playacting and waiting for life to begin? Because I can't check those lists of things off, I somehow am inferior to my peers who can?
I feel so naive, even though I'm not. I feel second- or third-class compared to others.
I find myself shying away from people, as if they are better than me. And I hate that feeling. I'm not ashamed of who I am. And I've accomplished things, have adult responsibilities. And for heaven's sake: I'm 27. Nearly 30.
I can't be anymore adult than I am.
But I still feel like the kid in this picture most days. And I don't know how to shake it.
I think everyone feels like that sometimes... also, that kid in the picture is cute.
ReplyDeleteTry reminding yourself about the stuff you do that you never thought of. For example, when I was a kid I never thought that adulthood meant surviving the stomach flu alone (no mean trick for a diabetic), or paying bills, or planning out my own meals for weeks at a time. I never thought about doing my own laundry without shrinking the hell out of it. You have an amazing job, you've written a BOOK (I haven't even done that and I've been studying how to go about it for 9 years now!), you have goals to work towards. Adulthood is changing, I think; there are fewer jobs in every sphere, and we're frequently competing with our parents, who have more experience and need fewer perks. Banks don't give loans out near as easy as they did a few years ago... so yeah, you don't have a house or a car. But guess what? I don't know anybody our age who DOES have a house. We only have a car because it was my parent's wedding gift to us. The same goes for married couples- I only know 4 married couples in my age bracket, and I'm one of them. I only know 3 mothers my age who intentionally had kids. Don't let unrealistic expectations hold you back. -Dana
ReplyDeleteThis same thought has paid many of recent visits to yours truly. I'm reaching an intersection in my life and I have absolutely no idea which direction to head towards. I wish life decisions were simply made by flipping a coin.
ReplyDeleteI AM turning 30 this year, and feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteOn another note - glad to see you blog again.
I feel the same way, and i am married with a kid. It's terrifying because I think "who let me have a kid, I'm not smart enough and responsible enough to be a parent!" I keep telling myself I'll be grown up when I can buy a car, or a house, or cary has a "real" job... but then there's that itching feeling I'm gonna spend the rest of life wondering when I'll feel grown up.
ReplyDeleteOn a more upbeat note though... you're an awesome adult. I see pictures of all your adventures, and I think you're doing a pretty good job. Just cause some people reach certain milestones you haven't yet doesn't make you any less of an adult--think of all the things you're doing you'll be able to tell your kids someday...
Even with those things, I still feel that way. It's like I'm always waiting for something, and THEN I think I can be happy. First I wanted to be married, and THEN I would be happy. Then I got married and there were hard things about that, and I thought that once I had a baby, THEN I would be happy. Then I was pregnant, and I was pretty miserable, and I thought when she was born I would be happy. And I was, but I have also been sleep-deprived for months, and I can't wait for her to be a little older so that I can sleep...and now sometimes I miss my pregnant, super-feminine body...even though I remember not liking being uncomfortable all the time when I was pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI keep feeling like the key to being happy in life is enjoying whatever it is that you have, even though whatever it is that you have has bad things about it as part of it...but I often struggle to do that!