Friday, October 31, 2014

Dear Prudie--How do I begin?

Hi. It's me. This time I'm not being hacked.

Have any of you read the "Dear Prudie" columns? Or any advice columns? I wrote to one once, and never saw an answer to my question, so I feel like it would be a waste of time to do it again. If I did send in a question, it would read something like this:

Dear [Insert Advice Guru Here],

The past week has been an overwhelming roller coaster of emotions. I have cried nearly everyday, sometimes out of fear and anxiety, but mostly, because I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and have a heart that is full to bursting as friends, family, strangers, and others have rallied around me in a time of need.

Not with just kind words, notes and messages, and prayers--though, there have certainly been those--but with people who understand me and understand my need to be able to find the humor in this situation and find a way to laugh about the things that really suck. Monday was quite possibly the lowest day of my life, and if not my life, it was certainly the lowest I have felt since I discovered pesky Abner, the tumor, in June. I could not find a single thing to laugh about, and yet, a phone call to my mom (and a cry fest in my car) followed by dinner at Meghan's where she and Jared were able to talk me through some things, find something to laugh about, and turned my mind away from it all had me feeling a little more stabilized.

Tuesday was completely different. A particular coworker changed my mood entirely in what, I think, others might have found to be insensitive or inappropriate, and yet, it was the exact thing I needed to feel better about the coming weeks. I also received a most beautiful bouquet of flowers (seriously, stunning).

And then there was the fundraiser.

I saw a few comments on Facebook where people were wondering if I had any idea of what was going on, if I knew about the fundraiser.

The thing is, I did. But I couldn't quite formulate a message to put out there. It would be foolish for me to demand it be shut down simply out of pride; and it would feel too avaricious for me to encourage it or advertise it on my own in any way. But I've been watching as people contributed to the fund, shared the link to their friends (often accompanied with really sweet messages that also made me cry). Seriously, overwhelming is a gross understatement. 

There have been contributions from my family--biological and otherwise; from high school classmates that I haven't spoken to since we graduated; from friends, but also from their family members; and coworkers both past and present; and total strangers; and a myriad of anonymous donors.

My question is this: How do I begin to express my gratitude? 

I guess I start with this post. Thank you. A million times. If you sent me a card, wrote me a message, or said a prayer, thank you. And if you did donate to the fund, please know, that you are the answer to not only my prayers, but to those being offered in my behalf. Out of all the things (aside from the chemo, which has recently taken the #1 spot), how to finance this has been my number one anxiety. The fundraiser will help ease that burden. Things will always be tight, but the bills will not devastate me as they would have done.

I love you all. I love your willingness to help and to see me through this. And I love your willingness to laugh with me.

I hope you all will still love me when I don't have hair...or eyebrows.



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