I've Been Thinking

I don't know what it is.... but I've been feeling so lazy about blogging lately. I know that I'm only disappointing myself in this matter. I bet my dad is pleased. He usually says that blogging is a waste of my time and I should be doing something more productive. Right now he'd be thinking that I needed to be asleep. I do need to be asleep, but I've just been thinking.

I've been thinking about people who think there is only black and white between emotions and logic; and how they think that emotions somehow invalidate truth. I've really been wanting to sit and blog this one out, but I haven't had the motivation or the patience.

I've been thinking about how busy my life has been lately. My weekends have been filled with friends and events, and... It's totally exhausted me. Like, emotionally and mentally draining. I spent this last Saturday alone, and it was what I needed to rejuvenate. I think people get confused by the front I put on, thinking that I crave social interaction and front-and-center attention. But that's not really the case. I am kind of introverted and antisocial. And actually, if I had a husband, I would probably never leave my house after work to hang out with other people. The depression that comes from after subsequent weekends of not doing something is just loneliness -- not cravings for major social interaction.

I've been thinking about how great my friends are. There are a few of you that know exactly what to say at the right moment that just gives me that added boost I need. I have a lackluster love life. Guys, I think, just don't really like me. Old men do. Older women love me. My friends think I'm awesome. (So do I, for that matter...) But as far as guys +/- about 10 years of my age, just aren't interested. Most the time I'm pretty accepting of this fact. It's been true since I entered the junior high. But other times I get a little discouraged. I hear that the guy I've been interested in is interested in someone else, and it's a hit on my self-esteem. And then I get texts like, "Well, he is a dolt then. I am sure you are hotter and much preferable to this skank." Or, "That's stupid, he clearly has terrible taste." I have people that love me, and I think it's pretty unconditional...which is amazing to me, because I am not always the easiest person to adore.

I've been thinking about the deadline my Uncle Craig gave me: to be getting married in August. I'm not going to make it. It's weird that I am a little disappointed, as if I really did have a sliver of hope that it would happen. On the other hand, four of my closest friends are getting married in August. (Three of them on the same day.)

I've been thinking about my dreams. And the fact that I don't know what they are any more.



I find that I keep saying to myself, "Go. Find your dream." But, I don't know where to start, or how to get there. The last dream I had that I knew exactly how to get was to go to BYU. It's been years since I graduated, and I don't have any other path or direction.

I've been thinking about cleaning my room. For weeks now. There's something much too comfortable about a messy room. It's annoying, sure. But, I think the sight of the bare floor and empty bed; the organized piles of my stuff -- and only my stuff -- depresses me. I keep putting it off, and I'm not sure exactly what I'm waiting for.

I've been thinking about swimming. I really wish our pool opened on Memorial Day like every other pool in the country. I can't wait to swim every night, again. Hurry up, Harmon!

And now I'm thinking about the fact that my contacts are still in my eyeballs, and I really do wish I were ready for bed and sleep...