To Be or not to Be

As members of the church, we often talk about how we have the answers to life's big questions. Who are we? Why are we here? And where are we going?

Sometimes I like to pair those questions with questions of my own. Who am I? Who do I want to be? And who am I becoming?

I know all the primary/Sunday school answers. So that covers my basic knowledge of Who I am. And it covers the very broad BROAD spectrum of Why I'm here.

But Where I'm going is so closely tied to Who I'm becoming that I don't always know the answers to that.

The more I think about these things, the more disappointed I am with myself. The choices that I've made, the habits I've begun... the path that I'm on. It doesn't really tie to Who I want to be. But the real problem is: I don't know Who I want to be.

Or rather, I do - it's just not possible. Which goes into the question as to Why am I here. Because what I really want to be is some member of the London ton during the Napoleonic wars. Living in an English manor. Looking for a husband by attending balls and dinners and country garden parties. Surrounded by rules of society and fancy ballgowns. And, forgive me, going to Church because it was expected of respectable ladies and not because I needed to renew my covenants. Covenants that I - we all - continue to break because we are human. Instead I would try and become some semi-bluestocking, while practicing the piano or something like that. Enjoying the knowledge of how to ride a horse...

But that's just ridiculous (I'd probably be part of the poorer class, besides).

So, instead I have to think about Who I really want to be. There's a part of me that wants to color her hair in a neon red, and cover her arms with tattoos and have lots of piercings. There's another part of me that wants to really experience the world - travel everywhere. Meet new people. Have experiences that involve all sorts of things. And then there's that other part, the part that I feel where I am failing. Where I become some Biblical scholar and uber-spiritual person. There's not really a way to balance all of those things. And just like with anything else, I find myself on the path to go one way, and then hop on the detour to go another... so many detours that I find that I haven't really gone anywhere at all. I'm stuck in this taboo land. Held back by my lack of discipline, my inability to commit - and really, my ignorance in knowing the answers. Or maybe it's that I know the answers, but I'm afraid of change. Not the change per se, but the actual giving up on everything else.

I remember clearly one seminary lesson where our teacher (Sister Johnson, my favorite) created two paths, they started fairly close together but then gradually pulled away from each other. She had one of the boys - because they were always falling asleep - walk with one foot on each path as far as they could go before they were stretched too far or fell over. That was the object lesson for living a life in Zion and one in Babylon. We can't do both. You can't have a summer home in Babylon... We've heard that analogy. I feel like I've put my summer home up for sale. But I should be abandoning it. Why am I waiting for a sale? Because, who really should be buying it? Instead, it's like I'm waiting. Waiting to fix it up and make it look nice. But it's in Babylon...

I digress. This is what I get for typing a deep post at 3:15am.

Dear readers, I don't want you to think that I've somehow lost my testimony of the Church. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the restored gospel. Were it not for Jesus Christ, we would be lost. But He suffered and died for us. It is why we DO have the answers to life's tough questions. I know we have prophets and leaders and true, inspired scripture to guide and direct. I know that He blesses us, whether or not we deserve it, but especially when we DO he blesses us. But like most, I take what I KNOW and what I DO and it sometimes doesn't add up. And I know that if we allow Him to help us, we can make the changes we need to.

Forgive my ranting. I pray that you will forgive my shortcomings as well.