Monday, March 07, 2011

Dating Roles

It is generally acknowledged that men are usually the ones that are meant to ask women out on dates. They are supposed to do the chasing, and they are supposed to be "in charge" - especially in regards to dating.

However, it is also 2011. And as forward-thinking, equality-based libertarians, we also accept that there is nothing wrong with a woman asking a man out on a date.

Sort of...

I have nothing against women that ask men on dates. It doesn't have to be a specifically set aside event (e.g. Sadie Hawkins dance, etc.) for it to be acceptable. I think that women that are willing to put themselves out there and stand against the possibility of direct rejection are to be admired...somewhat.

Ok. The truth is, at least, in theory I don't have anything against it.

I DO have something against women that are particularly predatory. I think that women that ask men out on dates all the time have generally made men more lazy when it comes to dating than they already are. I think a lot of girls make fools out of themselves because they haven't mastered the art of asking guys out or are like their male counterparts, and don't understand subtle - or even, not-so-subtle - hints that that particular guy is not interested.

I've been on the asking end before and I don't like it. I much prefer to have the guy do the asking. There are certain roles to be played, and when I am doing the asking, I get really confused. Perhaps I'm the only one, but being a big supporter of traditional gender roles, I have a hard time knowing what I am doing when I've initiated the date.

If a man asks me on a date, I assume several things: he's driving; he's paying (unless otherwise specified, and YES, I do bring my wallet just in case this assumption is wrong); he's opening the door for me; he's leading me from place to place and setting the tone (e.g. Do I order a soda or stick to water? (Usually I stick to water anyway) Are we being frugal or big spenders; Are we in a hurry or taking our time?).

When I ask a guy on a date, I assume that I am now driving, I am now paying and I'm the one leading him from place to place. I also find myself thinking that I need to be the one opening doors for him.

It's just confusing! I feel like the world has reversed its axis and all gender roles have fallen to shart. I don't like that feeling. I don't like being the one to ask guys out on dates. I would MUCH rather have a guy ask me out.

But sometimes, you actually do have an extra ticket to an event. Or your friends and all their significant others want you to join them at a dinner or party or something, and a date is required. In those cases, you can't wait for a guy to wander up wondering if you have any ideas for a date he can take you on. You have to man up and ask him out for yourself.

But I really, really don't like it.


  1. You posted your link on Facebook, I followed:-)
    Stick to your guns. Fact of the matter is, asking him out sets the whole tone for the relationship. Yes, many people have wonderful marriages, etc. evolving from "she chasing he." But think about it - those are definitely the exceptions to the rule. More often than not, even today, the man has pursued the woman.
    Do you want to be the one always planning the dates? Always paying? Always wearing the pants in the relationship? If so, then great! Take that on!
    BUT sounds like you are a fan of traditional gender roles and would prefer that be the man.
    When you need a date for an activity, ask a man friend or one of your girls - save the potential romantic interests for other times. What if he never asks you out, you ask? Well, then he isn't interested and it saves you having wasted the money and the heartache. If a man likes you enough, no matter how shy, how "issued," how whatever he is, he will find a way.
    You may be thinking, "But you are not married and 30! You don't know!" But single and 30 also means I have that many more years of dating experience under my belt and I'm a pro:-) I go out all the time and I have had three opportunities to be married now, but I ended up realizing none of those men were the best person to be my partner through thick and thin in life.

    I'll just rephrase this entirely-too-long comment one other way. Do you really want to end up with a man you had to convince of how amazing you are? I sure don't! I want him to have recognized my awesomeness and have fought for it. I think we all deserve that:-)

    Not entirely related, I highly recommend, "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk." Awesome, awesome reading on the dating topic - it is basically "How to Avoid Falling in Love with the Wrong Person."

    And I step down from my speech now:-)

  2. I am completely with you. I am a BIG believer in traditional gender roles, whether I like it or not. I think guys should ask out/pursue. If he's not asking out/pursuing, he's not the one for you.

    I think women should be stay at home moms or not have babies at all. I think women should do laundry and men should mow lawns and fix cars. But ultimately the above commenter is correct in my eyes. If the boy is not taking the initiative from the start in your would-be relationship, he's not likely to change anytime soon.

    I am lucky to have learned my lesson about this after a string of guys leading me on, letting me ask/pay/decide what to do, and then marrying my now-husband, who was the first one after this string of no initiative guys to show legitimate interest.

  3. LOL. I didn't mean to come off as a "gender roles" person, cause I'm not except that I want him to show initiative in pursuit:-) I've never dated a man who has been better off professionally than I have, truth be told, but as long as they work hard and show initiative, I'm okay with that:-)
    If you think I sound anti-feminist or feminist, just read my blog and you'll realize I'm not. Or that I am. *suspense*

  4. Girls don't like to ask guys out because it's hard and makes girls uncomfortable. They prefer to be the one rejecting an approach than being the one rejected. Long story short, this is exaltation that's on the line. If you're not being asked out and you just wait (when nothing stops you from asking a guy out besides your fears and your desire to conform to the social norm), then you may not get married and may not be exalted. Sure, those who didn't have a chance to marry here will be able to have that solved in the next life. However, sitting there and not being proactive (in this case, asking guys out if none of them ask you), counts against you. You have your chance, it's different, but it's a chance. Ladies, gird up your loins and get on with it.


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