The Wanting

There are some things in life that no matter how badly you want it, you just aren't going to get it.

I feel like that list grows everyday. And the more I want it - no matter what it is - the more it hurts to know that I won't ever get it.

Well, I don't know if "hurts" is the right word. I guess it just depends on which thing I'm talking about. There are some things that you can still hold out hope for. Because life spins and turns in interesting ways sometimes, and there is no way to know for sure that you aren't going to get something until the day you die and you realize that you never did get that chance.

This is too vague.

For example. I want a tattoo. I never thought I did. When I was younger, I despised tattoos and thought they were disgusting and unnecessary. The thought of being an old woman and tatted up did not appeal to me. It still does not appeal to me. But that does not stop me from wanting one. Just one. I've heard that it is addictive, and I can see how it might be - but I just want ONE. A little flock of birds right behind my ear. Wouldn't that be awesome? Eh... Those of you who aren't in to tattoos wouldn't think it was awesome. But I have definitely changed my tune with regards to tattoos. I still don't think it is very classy to be so tatted up you can't look professional. I hate tramp stamps and ugly cartoon characters. I think pin-ups and other dirty tattoos are gross. Tribal tattoos are overdone. I like the innovative, creative ones that are real pieces of art. They'll still look ridiculous when the people are old. But... that's the beauty of the one I want - it can be covered by just wearing my hair down! Brilliant.

Of course, all the wanting in the world is never going to get me into a tattoo parlor. Because, in the end, I am sticking to my guns about what I was asked to do. Treat my body with respect and as a temple, and going with the advice of the church to stay away from gratuitous piercings (I would love to have my ears double pierced and another one up the side of my ear...) and tattoos. In the end, I know I have not lost anything and I do believe that blessings come from obedience. It doesn't keep me from wanting, though.

I want - really, really want a husband and a family. Of course I do! It isn't a secret and it isn't uncommon. At the age of 25, I was certain that I would have a couple of kids by now, but fine. I don't. But that doesn't keep me from wanting it. Now, this want is hugely different from wanting a tattoo. First, it is sanctioned by the Church. :) Second, there's no way to know whether or not it will happen. Whenever you talk to someone getting married, they always say, "I had just given up on the idea [dating, boys, marriage, etc.] entirely..." There's always the hope that tomorrow will bring the man of your dreams, or that the guy that you just met last night, might propose in three months (that's right, this is Utah...we move fast here)... or six months or a year. You don't know. That friend you met two years ago, could turn into a romantic interest at the drop of a hat. You don't know! There's no way to know. And I think that killing the hope that it will happen is practically impossible. Because even if you think you've lost all hope and you are ready to buy your cat and picked out her name - Emily Dickinson! (Or pet pigs, in my case: Elinor and Finnick) - you usually can scrounge up just enough hope the next time your stomach flip-flops because he smiles at you.

And then there's traveling. Which, the more I think about it and try to make it happen, the more I realize that it is more like the tattoo than the husband. It seems as though it is going to be impossible to get me out of this country. Sure, I can find enough money to go to New York. Or to go home, every once in a while. But as far as going to Scotland, or Italy or even Mexico... I just...don't see how I will ever make it. I have my passport. I even have a place to stay if every I could make it to Scotland! But I don't think I'll ever have the money. I'll get a little chunk (maybe $300) and all of a sudden my car will need new brakes, I get bronchitis or SOMETHING happens and I have to transfer the measly amount back into my checking account. When you're living paycheck to paycheck, traveling to a foreign country is impossible. And I don't care what all you master budgeters think, if you are living paycheck to paycheck, there's nothing left to put away into savings. And yeah, maybe, I could put put $20 away, and get myself to Scotland in the year 2030. But it is just disheartening. I wish I could just give up the whole idea of traveling. There are people out there that have no interest in seeing the world. They have no interest in leaving their home state! (I don't get it. But sometimes I wish I could be like them.) It'd certainly be a much simpler life. And yet, every time I get that $300 in my savings account, I think that I might be well on my way to getting a stamp on my passport and that little bit of hope flares up.

But sometimes that hope is more devastating than recognizing the truth.