Monday, April 12, 2010

I am Biased (offensive)

Considering the timing of several very cute arrivals to some of the coolest people I know... this blog post could offend some people. Don't let it. I am posting this on my blog but I am not necessarily posting about you. Most of my friends/family are pretty good about not annoying me with their kids. It's just random people, friends of friends, etc.that really annoy me. (But if you see yourself doing these things... maybe, tone it down a bit???)

So... it's official. I hate parents (not mine, of course). I hate the new moms that post on their Facebook every "cute" thing their baby does, how much their head circumference is, whether or not they've gone #2 today or not, and how just perfect, awesome, amazing, incredible, etc. their baby is.

I hate waiting for two or three moms all pushing their baby strollers across the street in the morning. (This is an irrational irritation... so if you do this, don't feel bad. I understand you want company while taking your child for a walk. It still bugs me though.)

I hate blogs that are ONLY about the baby and say everything the Facebook statuses say only much WORDIER. Trust me, every kid learns how to say, "da" and "ba." It is also part of human development to learn how to crawl, pull yourself up, eat with a fork and stack blocks. We all did it as children. Our grandparents did it. Cain and Abel did it. Your baby is not really that special because at 5 months he learned to crawl. Turns out most babies learn to crawl at 5 months. If it were 2 months, when he's barely begun to hold his head up but still managing to crawl... well then, that is pretty spectacular. One could say that I should stop reading the blogs (or block the Facebookers) but I continue to read on the off-chance that you will post about something else in your life. Because I'm still interested in what is going on in your life, even if you've turned completely lame since having a baby.

I hate moms that refuse to get a babysitter because they don't TRUST anyone to watch their baby (or are too cheap to get a babysitter) or are offended because you don't want their little tyke coming to the opera with you (I don't go to the opera, but you understand my meaning, I think...)

I hate the moms that are so consumed with worrying about germs reaching their baby. Hello. It's called an immune system. Your baby will die if it doesn't learn how to fight a little bit of germs.

Has anyone noticed that parents have the grossest conversations, ever? And they put it on the web, even though it should be private information. Your nips are chapped? No one needs to know that. Your baby is constipated? Wow, who cares? Normal people don't walk around complaining that their uterus feels like it is about to erupt or that they are so gassy or have the runs so bad they've had to change their pants twice today. Ok - I do know some people like that. But really, they don't post it online, which is one of the most public places ever these days. There are some things that really should just be kept to themselves.

Of course, none of this applies to my sister, Amy. Because I can't get enough of Kelsie stories. I would sit on the phone and listen to her talk and scream and cry the whole day. I can't get enough pictures of her. I look through them 100x a week. Kelsie actually is the cutest, smartest, most advanced baby I've ever seen. I don't want to know if she throws up or poops - but if that's the only story you got for me, go ahead and give it to me! (Maybe not....I'm just trying to prove a point.)

Also, Amy is probably one of the more normal moms I've ever met. (Except the whole fear of flying to Florida...............) She tries to stop Kelsie from eating the dog food, but you know, isn't ridiculous about it. She doesn't mind if someone, like a little kid, wants to talk to Kelsie. She'll let her run around and play. She'll get a babysitter (granted, usually my mom or Mackenzie) when she needs to. She's not afraid of germ, of Kelsie dying spontaneously. She's fairly laid-back. Much like my mom was when Brad and Mackenzie were babies.

When all is said and done, babies are funny creatures. They are so dependent. They are terribly easy to make fun of. If you aren't making fun of your kid, then you aren't doing something right. Lighten up and laugh a bit. And do try to remember to retain your personality. You've had a kid. You aren't brain damaged.

All of this just goes to prove that I am extremely biased and obviously not a mom. I love that Kelsie baby more than anyone else's kid. So, sorry. 

I guess that means that I am giving you free leave to not be offended and to take what I write with a grain of salt. Because even if you are a crazy mom, and I claim to hate crazy moms, I more than likely don't hate you. You're probably one of my most favorite people in the world.


  1. We are mortal enemies now. My baby is smarter than Kelsie. He told me so.

  2. ha ha if you were friends with a certain friend of mine i feel like i would know exactly where this was coming from, but since you're not it just makes me laugh. My dilemma is when they go on and on about how cute their baby is, and sometimes.... well the baby isn't cute. I don't know how to politely say, well maybe in a few months when she's finally put on some weight so she's not so scrawny and doesn't have a scrunched face... ha ha how horrible am i... i hope i have cute babies.

  3. How to say this delicately ... You just did exactly what you said you despised, you filthy, skanky hypocrite. You said you hate people who fawn over their stupid babies (and all babies are stupid, by the way), and then turned around and fawned all over Kelsie. All this means is that you aren't a parent. I still maintain once you become a mother, I will have to sever all ties because you are so disgusting over your niece. NIECE! Not even CHILD! That is all.

  4. What would you do without us crazy mom's though? Don't we make your life more interesting?? :-) At least it gives you something to hate, and the feeling of hating something I'm sure is at least somewhat entertaining for you! And believe me, when half of my day AND night is changing out blowouts of yucky poops, I feel like other people, especially others who don't have to deal with it, deserve to hear about it. ha ha! just kidding... LOL!


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